New Years Resolutions:

-Start setting my alarm at non-rounded times. Example: 8:52am.

-Stop telling myself I’m going to drink more water.

-Stop making lists.

-Stop spilling hot tea all over myself all the time.Stop

-Stop pretending to enjoy ‘the little things’.

-Start taking better care of my feet.

-Start looking homeless people in the eyes when telling them I have no change.

-Stop stalking people I hate on facebook (notice ‘remove said people from facebook’ is not here. We all relapse.)

-Build up immunity to lactose.

-Be perceived as ‘Mysterious.’

-Accept that I probably will never be considered ‘Mysterious.’

-Settle for ‘Probably a virgin.’

-Succeed at things to be later appointed meaningful to my life.

-Stay classy.

-Watch more The Simpsons

-Wake up by at least 4pm everyday all the time and forver. No more 7pm wake-ups.

-Stop judging close friends for not watching Louie.

-Disallow dust to build up on my book shelf.

-Use weird words like disallow.

-Stop wearing sweat pants more than six days a week.

-Accept that I don’t like coffee and that I put too much sugar in my tea.

-Stop mentally telling myself, “I just like sweet tea” when adding 3-4 spoonfuls of sugar.

-Stop envisioning spiders in the crevasses of wraps, sandwiches, and falafels.

-Stop getting waaaaay too excited about seeing Degrassi kids on the street in Toronto.

-Stop referring to the 25+ year old cast members of Degrassi as ‘Degrassi kids’ when I run into them on the street.

-Stop having dreams about terrorist attacks in Toronto, followed by the phrase, “She needs us now more than ever” where ‘she’ refers to The City of Toronto.

-Stop, when envisioning the future, devoting a great amount of time to how my plans would change if I became suddenly and unexpectedly pregnant.

-Stop genuinely hating people who try to incorporate undeserved British phrases into their Brampton vocabulary.

-Stop enjoying daydreams in which I run into everyone I hated in high school at a fancy dinner gala with George Stroumboulopoulos as my date. **UPDATED** Or Bo Burnham.

-Acknowledge that the hours of 1am-4am are not ‘eat what you want’ free for alls.

-Stop cringing at young girls when they tell me they plan to get ‘Live, laugh, love’ tattooed on their arm/wrist/ankle.

-Finish my story about the Spider revolution.

Realistic Heckling Come Backs

Today in stand up class, my teacher gave us a list of classic heckler’s lines and asked us to come up with some witty, original come backs.

I could only come up with a list of things I would actually say if I was heckled.

Heckler: “Don’t quit your day job!”

Come back: I didn’t. I’m a really good waitress and you are mean.

Heckler: “LAAAAAAME!”

Come back: YOU’RE lame. And mean.

Heckler: “My grandmother has better jokes than you!”

Come back: That’s very nice, but…you are very mean.

Heckler: “You STINK.”

Come Backs: “Sh..shut up…” or “…Sorry.”

Heckler: “Get off the stage!”

Come back: I can’t, I’m busy doing comedy, you meanie!

I think I got the right stuff.

Maybe I am Kinda a Jerk

**Note** I found this in my drafts folder...it seems I forgot to post this a year ago. So, here: Something I wrote before the crippling patheticness of my existence had taken hold of my creative spirit. I give you words, from Optimistic Waitress Kate:

I really wanted a coin changer thinger (like conductors and hot dog vendors in theory wear on thier belts to make change), because I felt like having a fun new toy that gives out change would make my waitressing job more fun. I set out across the vast Internets to find said product, and could not. I, of course, narrated these misadventures to one mister Dye_go Rupolo, who encouraged me in the following exploit.

After a frustrated night of nothing shipping to Canada, I finally found myself with some hope at the product's company's website. This lead to more disappointment. The following letter was sent to their automated complaint centre.

I'm a Canadian, who has been looking for this product for a very, very long time. I can't seem to find anywhere that even SHIPS to Canada, let alone somewhere (other than your website) which were it doesn't already cost an arm and a leg.

I was VERY excited when I came to your website, and saw
"State/Province/Region" and even "Zip/Postal Code" when I scrolled down. When 'Ontario' was not listed, I got nervous. Then I saw 'Country' and thought--no, hoped--that if I merely changed the drop down menu you provided from 'United States of America' to 'Canada', my Province would be listed.

It was not. In fact, NO OTHER COUNTRY was listed.

Your website is very misleading and I want a free coin changer.


Sincerely, Kate Barberio

We thought this was pretty funny. I would be continuing to live my life like a sitcom, doing things for the comedy, and if it ended up on the right persons desk, a free coin changer might indeed be sent to Canada.

Then I got a reply.

Hello,

Thank you for your recent inquiry. We apologize if the website
was misleading to you. We are Shopatron and we process internet orders for many
manufacturers. With this said, some accept Canadian orders and some do not so
the general option is listed. However, if a manufacturer does not accept
Canadian orders, like the one you visited, the Country option is removed.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused and we are also
unable to send you the free item you requested,

Please let us know if we
can be of further assistance.

Thank you,

Danielle Aguirre

She's a real person who had to actually type out a response to my letter and send it. She had to acknowledge my crazy, arbitrary words and rationalize to me why they couldn't send me a free coin changer and even apologized for the drop down menu I had previously spent like 20 minutes hating on.

Clearly, my life long goal to live my life for the comedy of it actually means I'm sorta a huge douche bag.

So, this is a public apology to Danielle Aguirre. I didn't mean to be a jerk. I forgot, briefly, that other people exist.

Ouch

I'm doing my first ever stand-up performance tomorrow.

Here's a list of things that could go wrong:

· I could say things and no one will laugh.

· In the gaping silence that follows my eager delivery, I could find myself staring into the face of the one true Death.

· I could say things, no one will laugh, and then I'll be obviously unsettled and start mispronouncing things.

· I could accidentally say something racist.

· I could walk out on to stage and go to adjust the mic stand, but somehow break it, causing the mic to drop to the floor and when I lean down to pick it up I stab my eye out on the mic stand and just start screaming and screaming and then the sound system gets that feedback sound and I try to crawl off stage but then my stand-up teacher Larry Horowitz wont let me leave, and he keeps insisting I have to work through it, so I do my two minutes bleeding and crying and it's horrible.

· I somehow pee my pants on stage.

· I get off, and the person after me says, "Man, Tina Fey has really let herself go. And also wasn't funny."

· I could trip on my way on to the stage, and then try to make fun of the fact that I just tripped, and accidentally say something racist.

· All the mean people from my high school could show up.

· All my friends could show up to 'support me' even though I pleaded with them not to.

· My nose could start bleeding in the middle of my time.

· I could get locked in the bathroom before show time and forever be remembered as the girl who was probably just pretending to be locked in the bathroom.

· It goes great and I really like it and end up doing it AGAIN.

Conversation Conversation

This is an inside joke that I'm posting because I only know how to be funny with inside jokes. Basically, something about these two crows sitting in a cornfield struck my fancy, so I took a picture of it. Almost immediately after posting it, my friend Alex and I began guessing what the crows could possibly be talking about. This is not a caption contest, it is a conversation contest. And it's not a contest, it's a conversation. So, I present to you: A Conversation Conversation.



Alex
"Sure hasn't changed up here, eh?"
"S'way I like it."
*silence*
"Saw Martha the other day. Still lookin' good. Still trim as a blade of grass."
"Yup."
..."There's that godforsaken horse again."
"Wild, you think?"
*silence*
"Naw. It ain't wild."

Kate
‎"Hey, Joe. How you feeling today?"
"Like a soldier of God."
"Christ, Joe, not this again."

Alex
‎"Whatcha thinking bout, Harold?"
"Titties."

Alex
"Imagine if aliens just dropped out of the sky and landed in this field."
"Dunno what they'd want with two old geezers like us."
"You think we could fly away in time before they spotted us?"
"I dunno, Stacey. That's a real hard question."
*silence*
"I wouldn't mind being abducted by aliens."
"What makes you say that?"
"Oh, y'know. It'd be a good story to tell the grand kids."

Kate
“Magnus, you old cunt! How’s the ol’ ball and chain treating you?”
“Christina’s been dead for six years, Phil.”
“…Well, shit in my hat and call me an asshole for making conversation.”


Kate
"There's Old Mr. Chesterfeild plowing the field again."
"Yip."
"He's mighty old n'aa."
"Yip."
"That boy 'a his better pull his dick outta his ass and start helpin' his daddy."
..."Yip."
"Hear that boy's got himself a pretty little thing down on Stiller Side Road. To bad the boy's more queer than a three dollar bill."
"Yip."
*silence*
"I think we know to much about the Chesterfeilds."

Kate
“Hey, man. I heard about your cancer.”
*silence*
“Subtle, Quentin.”


Kate
“Hey Taylor, why aren’t there ever any chicks round here?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, there’s never any chicks around.”
“What, you mean like, baby chickens?”
“No, man! Like hot bird pussy! You know what I’m sayin! I want some LADIES, bro! I w...anna get down n dirty wit dem hoezzz. We should find some twins, man. We should totally find some twins, and share them. Like not together, cuz that’s gay. But we should scope this shithole, find the hottest effing bitches around, and just fuck em. Just fuck em and then fly away. No phone numbas, ma fetha. Feel me?”
“…I’m a woman, Ted.”


Kate
‎"Do you use Skype?"
"No."
"You should."
*silence*


Kate
‎*silence*
"Fuck, I want an Iced Cap."

Best Friends

This is what it's like to be best friends with Alex Platt.

Zombie Confessions: A Follow Up

So, I figured I needed to explain a few things about my last post that people seemed to not understand. Fact: Zombies are terrifying. Fact: They will bring a swift and devastating end to life as we know it. Fact: Spine-bifida girl is more scary than the Nazi zombies picture in the previous entry.

The following is my 3am rendering of what has come to be my understanding of the events that would take place if and when a zombie outbreak where to occur, brought to you by: Scissors, glue, my parent's scanner and a void in my social calendar that allows me to partake in such things (and write such long sentences).

One more less impossible to read demonstration of a zombie Apocalypse based exclusively for people in the GTA:

Lastly, girl who is deemed 'Spina-Bifida' is actually 'Zelda' from Stephen King's Pet Semetary. I read the book way too young, and still cannot bring myself to watch the following clip.



I had to watch that on mute and only got through the first half or so, so if it's dubbed in Mexican and the last 30 seconds are intense cat petting I wouldn't know and I apologize.




Fun Notes: If you ARE reading this blog, please either comment OR select one of the three options below. It starves off the suicidal thinking.