Maybe I am Kinda a Jerk

**Note** I found this in my drafts folder...it seems I forgot to post this a year ago. So, here: Something I wrote before the crippling patheticness of my existence had taken hold of my creative spirit. I give you words, from Optimistic Waitress Kate:

I really wanted a coin changer thinger (like conductors and hot dog vendors in theory wear on thier belts to make change), because I felt like having a fun new toy that gives out change would make my waitressing job more fun. I set out across the vast Internets to find said product, and could not. I, of course, narrated these misadventures to one mister Dye_go Rupolo, who encouraged me in the following exploit.

After a frustrated night of nothing shipping to Canada, I finally found myself with some hope at the product's company's website. This lead to more disappointment. The following letter was sent to their automated complaint centre.

I'm a Canadian, who has been looking for this product for a very, very long time. I can't seem to find anywhere that even SHIPS to Canada, let alone somewhere (other than your website) which were it doesn't already cost an arm and a leg.

I was VERY excited when I came to your website, and saw
"State/Province/Region" and even "Zip/Postal Code" when I scrolled down. When 'Ontario' was not listed, I got nervous. Then I saw 'Country' and thought--no, hoped--that if I merely changed the drop down menu you provided from 'United States of America' to 'Canada', my Province would be listed.

It was not. In fact, NO OTHER COUNTRY was listed.

Your website is very misleading and I want a free coin changer.


Sincerely, Kate Barberio

We thought this was pretty funny. I would be continuing to live my life like a sitcom, doing things for the comedy, and if it ended up on the right persons desk, a free coin changer might indeed be sent to Canada.

Then I got a reply.

Hello,

Thank you for your recent inquiry. We apologize if the website
was misleading to you. We are Shopatron and we process internet orders for many
manufacturers. With this said, some accept Canadian orders and some do not so
the general option is listed. However, if a manufacturer does not accept
Canadian orders, like the one you visited, the Country option is removed.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused and we are also
unable to send you the free item you requested,

Please let us know if we
can be of further assistance.

Thank you,

Danielle Aguirre

She's a real person who had to actually type out a response to my letter and send it. She had to acknowledge my crazy, arbitrary words and rationalize to me why they couldn't send me a free coin changer and even apologized for the drop down menu I had previously spent like 20 minutes hating on.

Clearly, my life long goal to live my life for the comedy of it actually means I'm sorta a huge douche bag.

So, this is a public apology to Danielle Aguirre. I didn't mean to be a jerk. I forgot, briefly, that other people exist.

Ouch

I'm doing my first ever stand-up performance tomorrow.

Here's a list of things that could go wrong:

· I could say things and no one will laugh.

· In the gaping silence that follows my eager delivery, I could find myself staring into the face of the one true Death.

· I could say things, no one will laugh, and then I'll be obviously unsettled and start mispronouncing things.

· I could accidentally say something racist.

· I could walk out on to stage and go to adjust the mic stand, but somehow break it, causing the mic to drop to the floor and when I lean down to pick it up I stab my eye out on the mic stand and just start screaming and screaming and then the sound system gets that feedback sound and I try to crawl off stage but then my stand-up teacher Larry Horowitz wont let me leave, and he keeps insisting I have to work through it, so I do my two minutes bleeding and crying and it's horrible.

· I somehow pee my pants on stage.

· I get off, and the person after me says, "Man, Tina Fey has really let herself go. And also wasn't funny."

· I could trip on my way on to the stage, and then try to make fun of the fact that I just tripped, and accidentally say something racist.

· All the mean people from my high school could show up.

· All my friends could show up to 'support me' even though I pleaded with them not to.

· My nose could start bleeding in the middle of my time.

· I could get locked in the bathroom before show time and forever be remembered as the girl who was probably just pretending to be locked in the bathroom.

· It goes great and I really like it and end up doing it AGAIN.