Maybe I am Kinda a Jerk

**Note** I found this in my drafts folder...it seems I forgot to post this a year ago. So, here: Something I wrote before the crippling patheticness of my existence had taken hold of my creative spirit. I give you words, from Optimistic Waitress Kate:

I really wanted a coin changer thinger (like conductors and hot dog vendors in theory wear on thier belts to make change), because I felt like having a fun new toy that gives out change would make my waitressing job more fun. I set out across the vast Internets to find said product, and could not. I, of course, narrated these misadventures to one mister Dye_go Rupolo, who encouraged me in the following exploit.

After a frustrated night of nothing shipping to Canada, I finally found myself with some hope at the product's company's website. This lead to more disappointment. The following letter was sent to their automated complaint centre.

I'm a Canadian, who has been looking for this product for a very, very long time. I can't seem to find anywhere that even SHIPS to Canada, let alone somewhere (other than your website) which were it doesn't already cost an arm and a leg.

I was VERY excited when I came to your website, and saw
"State/Province/Region" and even "Zip/Postal Code" when I scrolled down. When 'Ontario' was not listed, I got nervous. Then I saw 'Country' and thought--no, hoped--that if I merely changed the drop down menu you provided from 'United States of America' to 'Canada', my Province would be listed.

It was not. In fact, NO OTHER COUNTRY was listed.

Your website is very misleading and I want a free coin changer.


Sincerely, Kate Barberio

We thought this was pretty funny. I would be continuing to live my life like a sitcom, doing things for the comedy, and if it ended up on the right persons desk, a free coin changer might indeed be sent to Canada.

Then I got a reply.

Hello,

Thank you for your recent inquiry. We apologize if the website
was misleading to you. We are Shopatron and we process internet orders for many
manufacturers. With this said, some accept Canadian orders and some do not so
the general option is listed. However, if a manufacturer does not accept
Canadian orders, like the one you visited, the Country option is removed.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused and we are also
unable to send you the free item you requested,

Please let us know if we
can be of further assistance.

Thank you,

Danielle Aguirre

She's a real person who had to actually type out a response to my letter and send it. She had to acknowledge my crazy, arbitrary words and rationalize to me why they couldn't send me a free coin changer and even apologized for the drop down menu I had previously spent like 20 minutes hating on.

Clearly, my life long goal to live my life for the comedy of it actually means I'm sorta a huge douche bag.

So, this is a public apology to Danielle Aguirre. I didn't mean to be a jerk. I forgot, briefly, that other people exist.

Ouch

I'm doing my first ever stand-up performance tomorrow.

Here's a list of things that could go wrong:

· I could say things and no one will laugh.

· In the gaping silence that follows my eager delivery, I could find myself staring into the face of the one true Death.

· I could say things, no one will laugh, and then I'll be obviously unsettled and start mispronouncing things.

· I could accidentally say something racist.

· I could walk out on to stage and go to adjust the mic stand, but somehow break it, causing the mic to drop to the floor and when I lean down to pick it up I stab my eye out on the mic stand and just start screaming and screaming and then the sound system gets that feedback sound and I try to crawl off stage but then my stand-up teacher Larry Horowitz wont let me leave, and he keeps insisting I have to work through it, so I do my two minutes bleeding and crying and it's horrible.

· I somehow pee my pants on stage.

· I get off, and the person after me says, "Man, Tina Fey has really let herself go. And also wasn't funny."

· I could trip on my way on to the stage, and then try to make fun of the fact that I just tripped, and accidentally say something racist.

· All the mean people from my high school could show up.

· All my friends could show up to 'support me' even though I pleaded with them not to.

· My nose could start bleeding in the middle of my time.

· I could get locked in the bathroom before show time and forever be remembered as the girl who was probably just pretending to be locked in the bathroom.

· It goes great and I really like it and end up doing it AGAIN.

Conversation Conversation

This is an inside joke that I'm posting because I only know how to be funny with inside jokes. Basically, something about these two crows sitting in a cornfield struck my fancy, so I took a picture of it. Almost immediately after posting it, my friend Alex and I began guessing what the crows could possibly be talking about. This is not a caption contest, it is a conversation contest. And it's not a contest, it's a conversation. So, I present to you: A Conversation Conversation.



Alex
"Sure hasn't changed up here, eh?"
"S'way I like it."
*silence*
"Saw Martha the other day. Still lookin' good. Still trim as a blade of grass."
"Yup."
..."There's that godforsaken horse again."
"Wild, you think?"
*silence*
"Naw. It ain't wild."

Kate
‎"Hey, Joe. How you feeling today?"
"Like a soldier of God."
"Christ, Joe, not this again."

Alex
‎"Whatcha thinking bout, Harold?"
"Titties."

Alex
"Imagine if aliens just dropped out of the sky and landed in this field."
"Dunno what they'd want with two old geezers like us."
"You think we could fly away in time before they spotted us?"
"I dunno, Stacey. That's a real hard question."
*silence*
"I wouldn't mind being abducted by aliens."
"What makes you say that?"
"Oh, y'know. It'd be a good story to tell the grand kids."

Kate
“Magnus, you old cunt! How’s the ol’ ball and chain treating you?”
“Christina’s been dead for six years, Phil.”
“…Well, shit in my hat and call me an asshole for making conversation.”


Kate
"There's Old Mr. Chesterfeild plowing the field again."
"Yip."
"He's mighty old n'aa."
"Yip."
"That boy 'a his better pull his dick outta his ass and start helpin' his daddy."
..."Yip."
"Hear that boy's got himself a pretty little thing down on Stiller Side Road. To bad the boy's more queer than a three dollar bill."
"Yip."
*silence*
"I think we know to much about the Chesterfeilds."

Kate
“Hey, man. I heard about your cancer.”
*silence*
“Subtle, Quentin.”


Kate
“Hey Taylor, why aren’t there ever any chicks round here?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, there’s never any chicks around.”
“What, you mean like, baby chickens?”
“No, man! Like hot bird pussy! You know what I’m sayin! I want some LADIES, bro! I w...anna get down n dirty wit dem hoezzz. We should find some twins, man. We should totally find some twins, and share them. Like not together, cuz that’s gay. But we should scope this shithole, find the hottest effing bitches around, and just fuck em. Just fuck em and then fly away. No phone numbas, ma fetha. Feel me?”
“…I’m a woman, Ted.”


Kate
‎"Do you use Skype?"
"No."
"You should."
*silence*


Kate
‎*silence*
"Fuck, I want an Iced Cap."

Best Friends

This is what it's like to be best friends with Alex Platt.

Zombie Confessions: A Follow Up

So, I figured I needed to explain a few things about my last post that people seemed to not understand. Fact: Zombies are terrifying. Fact: They will bring a swift and devastating end to life as we know it. Fact: Spine-bifida girl is more scary than the Nazi zombies picture in the previous entry.

The following is my 3am rendering of what has come to be my understanding of the events that would take place if and when a zombie outbreak where to occur, brought to you by: Scissors, glue, my parent's scanner and a void in my social calendar that allows me to partake in such things (and write such long sentences).

One more less impossible to read demonstration of a zombie Apocalypse based exclusively for people in the GTA:

Lastly, girl who is deemed 'Spina-Bifida' is actually 'Zelda' from Stephen King's Pet Semetary. I read the book way too young, and still cannot bring myself to watch the following clip.



I had to watch that on mute and only got through the first half or so, so if it's dubbed in Mexican and the last 30 seconds are intense cat petting I wouldn't know and I apologize.




Fun Notes: If you ARE reading this blog, please either comment OR select one of the three options below. It starves off the suicidal thinking.

Confessions About Zombies

I am literally terrified of zombies.

I have had, to date, three nightmares about zombies in my post-high school life. That means that on three separate occasions, I woke up in a cold sweat, called out to my dog in a meek and frazzled voice, half expecting (at least on some level) to hear a half-dead groan float back at me from somewhere in the closet area of my bedroom (I’ve often experienced my ‘closet area’—named that because I don’t have a closet but a poll my dad installed for me to hang things on—to be the most paranormal part of my room. That and under my desk, behind my bookshelf, and of course, the winner: the small fucked up door leading to the crawl space beside the stairs in which a sad girl with spine-bifida and taunt green skin lives. I don’t like her.). Once I happened to wake up right when a car was driving by my house at an angle that filled my room with headlights, and I thought “OH FUCK THEY HAVE TOURCHES” then I thought “How do zombies know how to make torches?” then I thought “Oh, then it mustn’t be zombies,” then I thought, “…it’s most LIKELY not zombies.”

Sadly, I am not one of those people who have seen every classic (meaning ‘bad’ in the horror genre) zombie movie and who can argue to you what kills a zombie, what a zombie is and how it runs. I know there’s been a revival of zombie-ness in recent media, and I know this because I’ve seen the wicked awesome sweet ass movie 28 Days Later and also because my cousin has a shirt that says ‘Ask Me About My Zombie Survival Plan.’

I know where I would hide if a zombie outbreak happened. In the dead of night, I have promised myself that when I wake up I will throw some canned food and some flash lights in the crawl space (I always wimp out because during the day time Spine-bifida outranks zombie delusions on the fear scale) and make note of the best place to bury my head and ignore the screams and brain-hungry shrieks of my now sorta-kinda-dead neighbors. I’ve been trying to train my dog to feel terror, so he’ll know not to bark at the zombies thusly alerting them to our hiding place. So far I’ve found he just startles easy and occasionally defecates where his pants would be if he wore pants but he doesn’t cuz he’s a dog. It’s a process.

The real reason I’m scared of zombies: I really think it could happen. Maybe not brain-hungry “undead” people running around in ripped jeans, but some sort of mass hysteria that causes the collapse of society/the ripping of good jeans (I don’t know why I think zombies wear ripped jeans. But I’m pretty sure they do. Also: suit jackets.). Maybe an airborne virus (or fuck, even a zombie-bite virus) that causes people to be sick, and therefore to panic. I can see people being violent for the sake of being violent, and more so I can see that violence being met with more violence. Maybe this is because I’ve seen all these movies that popularize images of crowds of people losing it, or maybe it’s because the footage of the G20 riots in Toronto just shook me on some level, but something tells me we’re all gonna die and before that, everybody’s gonna go batshit crazy and some brains may be consumed.

This guy knows what I'm sayin' about ripped jeans and suit jackets.

Seriously, 9/10 zombies you see on TV are wearing ripped jeans and/or suit
jackets. CHECK IT.

Before I end this, I’d like to state that this zombie paranoia had subdued itself until my friend Scott scolded me for making an AIDS joke. He made a whole big deal about how “the epidemic isn’t over.” That night I had a SEQUEL zombie dream in which I had to convince my family that, you guessed it; the epidemic of zombies from my last dream wasn’t over. (They were eaten.) I know my fear of zombies has to do with all the things I know as a drop-out English Major zombie’s represent, but ‘zombies fucking SCARE ME’ is so much more direct and a much better mental image than “I’m really afraid some virus will come and kill people and no one will be able to stop it. And then society will collapse, and resources will become scarce and everyone will start killing everyone else to take these resources. And then things will be in chaos, and people will just kill other people because they CAN and WANT to. It would be like AIDS and the Holocaust but bigger and less organized.”

I said LESS organized.

Anyway, that’s why I’m scared of zombies.

Possibilities I have not ruled out include: My dog may already be a zombie

Are YOU scared of zombies?

Lilslutxxx Encounters Dramatic Irony

Lilslutxxx's Adventures on PlentyofFish, An Introduction and Justification(ish)

Lilslutxxx's Adventures on PlentyofFish Round One

Lilslutxxx Gets a Guy to Rap on Plenty of Fish

Lilslutxxx is Unable to Scare Away Dinodave (The Bird One)

Dedicated to Dye-go of Dye-go Reports

Jfunds: hey there cutie im jordan
Jfunds: hey sweetie
Jfunds: im Jordan whats going on ???
Jfunds: looking hot sweetiee
lilslutxxx: thats an awful lot of hellos
Jfunds: haha
Jfunds: sorry
Jfunds: i didnt know if u got the message
Jfunds: whats ur name sexy?
lilslutxxx: Rebacala
lilslutxxx: its Romananian :P
Jfunds: sexy name
Jfunds: beautiful country too
lilslutxxx: wats ur name again?
Jfunds: Jordan
lilslutxxx: nice 2 meet u
Jfunds: you too sweetie
Jfunds: so hows ur night going
lilslutxxx: pretty good...just hangin out
lilslutxxx: couldnt get into this club cuz im underage :(
Jfunds: awww
Jfunds: how old r u beeb
lilslutxxx: 16
lilslutxxx: and a half
Jfunds: oh wow
Jfunds: do u like older guys?
lilslutxxx: o yaa
Jfunds: :P
lilslutxxx: so wat did u do 2nite?
Jfunds: went to london pub hanged out with some ppl then came home
Jfunds: kinda lame
lilslutxxx: o ic
Jfunds: im kinda tipsy
lilslutxxx: meee too
lilslutxxx: we had to come home earllly but
lilslutxxx: we stole some vodka frum my dads liquor cabinet and watched To Catch A Predator all night XD :P
Jfunds: wicked
Jfunds: who u with
lilslutxxx: my girlfrineds
Jfunds: sounds fun
lilslutxxx: it waz but it was also kindaa boring
Jfunds: i had that same feeling tonight
lilslutxxx: its hard to think of drinking games for To Catch a Predator
Jfunds: haha
lilslutxxx: so we just took a shot every time he read from the chat log :P
lilslutxxx: so do u like younger girls?
Jfunds: ya
lilslutxxx: LOL i was giving an example of when to drink
lilslutxxx: :P
Jfunds: ok
lilslutxxx: so wat do u like to do?
Jfunds: go for movies bars sometimes clubs
lilslutxxx: do u think u cud get me into a club??
Jfunds: someitmes just chill at ahome and drink
Jfunds: maybe
lilslutxxx: o cool wat shows do u watch when u drink?
Jfunds: lol
Jfunds: entourge
Jfunds: soparanos
Jfunds: and what ever my guest wants
lilslutxxx: can i come over and watch to catch a predator??
lilslutxxx: i <3>Jfunds: for sure beeb
Jfunds: bring some drinks
Jfunds: will have a good time
Jfunds: i havent seen that show
lilslutxxx: u probably should
Jfunds: when u coming over
lilslutxxx: idk im not alloud out after 11
Jfunds: thats cool
lilslutxxx: oh shit, i g2g my dad just woke up
Jfunds: whast ur cell
lilslutxxx: its broken
Jfunds: msn
Jfunds: ?
lilslutxxx: angle_babygurl_playahata_69@hotmail.com
Jfunds: ok will talk more soon baby sweet dreams
lilslutxxx: byye
lilslutxxx: u shud go watch 2CaP tho, really.
Jfunds: ok bebe ill chekc it out
Jfunds: for u
lilslutxxx: for me???
Jfunds: of course cutiee
lilslutxxx: shit my dads cumming bye


Dedicated to Dye-go of Dye-go Reports