Saturday, July 31, 2010

Christians Are Big Jerks

This is the THIRD TIME a Christian table has opted to pray for me rather than tip. If it didn't work the first two times, why in God's holy name do they think a magic letter will help me?


This was literally accompanied with a 79 cent tip (on a credit card receipt) and a small pile of torn up coasters. Also, a series of failed Soul Saving napkins on which they had practised drawing that vagina flower.

They're not the first Christians to tell me God has placed a favour on me, and that I need to believe in him in order to achieve. Which is funny, because I'm pretty sure I'm a bad person and that no Deity approves of any of my actions ever. I'm tired of all this bribery, I want an HONEST creepy christian letter: "Yo, Waitress, you're really bitter and you didn't bring me my food fast enough. You're probably going to hell."


P.S. Oh no they DIDN'T just call me Katie.


P.P.S. They could have proven to me THERE AND THEN that I would succeed in my profession by tipping anywhere near 15 percent.

P.P.P.S. "Blessings" is wishing Gods love on someone, so "God loves you!!" is irrelevant. Especially when the line before that once AGAIN promises that I've already won over this Righteous Dude. WTFuck do people study when they study the bible?

Monday, July 26, 2010

lilslutxxx is unable to scare dinodave200 away

More Adventures with lilslutxxx on Plenty of Fish here, here, and here.

dynodave200: hey gorgeous u there
dynodave200: *** You've been SMACKED! ***
dynodave200: there you are
dynodave200: how you doin hun
lilslutxxx: im goodd
lilslutxxx: lets c lets c...
lilslutxxx: i recognize ur name...
dynodave200: ok you look so fine i definitely would like to see you on cam
lilslutxxx: i dun have a cam
dynodave200: you recognize my name cause you said blow jobs are an art to you
dynodave200: wat did u mean by lets c lets c?
lilslutxxx: o yess o yess
lilslutxxx: cuz i cudnt rmemer what i said to u
lilslutxxx: lololol im drunk rite nw
dynodave200: o ya lol your really sexy, where abouts in mississauga are you?
dynodave200: ?
lilslutxxx: cant say cant say
dynodave200: fair enough, you really enjoy giving blow jobs eh ;)
dynodave200: you into older men? like 24 :)
lilslutxxx: i only like soldjas
dynodave200: well i can be your soldja ;)
dynodave200: do you have msn?
lilslutxxx: noo :(
dynodave200: so what exactly you looking for on this site?
lilslutxxx: funn wat r u lookin 4
dynodave200: im looking for fun too, with a sexy girl like yourself
lilslutxxx: u thin im secee?
dynodave200: ya im fit 5'10 180 and im sure you need a real man, im guessing you like it real big in the right spot eh hehe ;)
dynodave200: whats secee?
lilslutxxx: its sexy spelly more sexy
dynodave200: ya you do look real sexy and your sexy man could be right here and im sure you wouldnt be disapointed
lilslutxxx: i dunno how sexy are you?
lilslutxxx: tell me
dynodave200: well im very fit have a six pack nice strong legs and arms work out occassionally and 8.5 inches very thick for a sexy girl like yourself and i knw how to use it ;) tell me how sexy you are
lilslutxxx: well im naked rit now soo
dynodave200: o ya now that is something i would like to see
dynodave200: what are you doing to yourself all naked in your bed? ;)
lilslutxxx: tell me wat u likk boii...are u freaky?
dynodave200: u wouldnt be calling me boi after a nite of us being together, i like a lot of things, i like when a cutie like you gets on her knees tries her best to deep throat my big dick but jus isnt able to do
dynodave200: it and she is druling all over my cock and balls, you like doing that
lilslutxxx: i noe boii i noe ;)
lilslutxxx: but what do u like by yourself...
dynodave200: i like stroking my big dick wishing i could see you naked or even having the chance to call you and having some freaky phone sex to spice up our nite ;) what about you?
lilslutxxx: i like think about big men lyk u thinkin abot gurlz lik me...
dynodave200: id make you one happpy girl, i bet you wish you saw me strokin my hard cock rite now, have you ever had phone sex before?
lilslutxxx: no i think thas expensive tho
dynodave200: not if you and i did it, you could give me a call and would be free for both of us ;) i wouldnt call one of those stupid chat lines lol and pay but if i had the chance to do it with you for free rite
dynodave200: now id love too
lilslutxxx: my phone is brrrked :(
dynodave200: well that sux, im an assman you have nice sweet ass on you?
lilslutxxx: whats an assman?
dynodave200: a girl with a nice booty
lilslutxxx: then im an assman
lilslutxxx: ;)
dynodave200: o ya you like taking it in the ass?
lilslutxxx: taking what?
dynodave200: a big dick
dynodave200: ;)
lilslutxxx: :O
dynodave200: never done it?
dynodave200: whats the wildest experience you have had?
lilslutxxx: um dis one time a bird flew in while i was doin it
lilslutxxx: n me n my girl trish started screamin
lilslutxxx: cuz we were lyk WATZ DIS BIRD DOING
lilslutxxx: n ma boii got scared too n he booked it
lilslutxxx: n we were like HELP CATCH DIS BIRD
lilslutxxx: and it made a mess.
dynodave200: o ya lol your into having 3sums eh?
lilslutxxx: ya ya but not wit birds around
lilslutxxx: like that was sum scaary shit
dynodave200: lol have you ever had 2 guys at the same time?
lilslutxxx: ya ya u lik dat?
dynodave200: ya its so hot when a girl likes to get gang banged
lilslutxxx: have u been in a 3waii?
dynodave200: absolutely a few actually
lilslutxxx: waz it with 1 guy or 2?
dynodave200: ive had 2 girls to myself and me and my buddy tag teamed this girl before too
lilslutxxx: i like a man who lyks sum dick styll
dynodave200: what i aint into dick but dont mind sharing a girl with another man
lilslutxxx: u wud shar eme??
dynodave200: ya if thats what you want of course, would you like that?
lilslutxxx: i dunno
lilslutxxx: no birds tho right???
lilslutxxx: the window wud HAVE to be shut
lilslutxxx: i ain even illin
dynodave200: lol no birds haha wouldnt you like 2 big cocks in front of you to suck on at same time?
lilslutxxx: i wud hav 2 kno no birds werr arund
lilslutxxx: are there n e nests near ur palce?
dynodave200: wtf no lol you wouldnt have to worry about a fuckin bird lol do you have a nice tight pussy?
lilslutxxx: u noe it
lilslutxxx: some people have pet birds...do u have a pet bird??
dynodave200: no
dynodave200: lol
lilslutxxx: good.
dynodave200: jus a big cock over here that i wouldnt mind you having ;)
lilslutxxx: how big you say?
dynodave200: 8.5 very thick
lilslutxxx: how thick??
lilslutxxx: sumtims too thick is too thick
dynodave200: well lets jus say ive heard that i have a perfect dick and i should be in porn lol im sure you would like it ;)
lilslutxxx: wat shape is it?
lilslutxxx: ma girl trisha's bf has a bent dick
lilslutxxx: it kinda looks like a bird
lilslutxxx: n i dont like it
dynodave200: lol know when im hard it aint no bent dick when its rockhard its solid and straight with a nice big mushroom tip on it
dynodave200: dont have to worry about a bent dick here
dynodave200: lol
lilslutxxx: okay okay
dynodave200: mayb sometime you and i can get together
dynodave200: ;)
lilslutxxx: where you at?
dynodave200: brampton yes i do drive
dynodave200: place to myself too so we can have a lot of fun hun
lilslutxxx: i been to brampton b4
lilslutxxx: lot of birds
dynodave200: ya well thereaint no birds in this house, relax with the birds lol so you enjoy sucking cock, do you like taking big loads on your face and in your mouth babe?
lilslutxxx: not really but it's just a part of life i guess
dynodave200: very true, my cock is rockhard rite now
lilslutxxx: o really?
dynodave200: ya and im looking at your picture stroking it ;)
lilslutxxx: so do you wanna have kids?
dynodave200: someday with a cutie like yourself, why do you?
dynodave200: not rite now xactly tho
lilslutxxx: do u have n e pets
dynodave200: nope use too but not anymore
lilslutxxx: this is getting biring :(
dynodave200: well what do you wanna talk about? what are you doing to yourself over there?
lilslutxxx: im lookin up stuff about birds
dynodave200: your naked and your not touching yourself
lilslutxxx: no no i got distracted cuz i googled birds in brampton and now im just readin about birds
dynodave200: lol really, so honestly would you be interested in meeting up sometime?
lilslutxxx: i dunno
lilslutxxx: u a soldja
lilslutxxx: ?
dynodave200: o you know it, id be surprised if you could keep up with me, but i can rock your world and i will prove that to you
lilslutxxx: o i c
dynodave200: that definitely would make me one happy guy if you wanted to be my lilslut!! ;)
lilslutxxx: how happy?
lilslutxxx: wud u marry me?
dynodave200: if it was that good it definitely would be a possibility but i need a girl that can keep up with me and treat me real good especially in bed ;)
lilslutxxx: r u sur u arnt jus sayn it?
dynodave200: well id have to hang out with you and get to know you more and if it felt right you never know what could happen, know what i mean
lilslutxxx: i dunno wqat u mean
dynodave200: o nvm so whats your name? im Dave
lilslutxxx: im nirvanala

Lilslutxxx Gets a Guy To Rap on Plenty of Fish

Lilslutxxx's Best Adventure
Lilslutxxx get's Plenty of Fish, an introduction


lyricist-intoxicated: juss here
lyricist-intoxicated: urself?
lilslutxxx: u noe it
lyricist-intoxicated: i think ur sexxc styll
lyricist-intoxicated: u got msn?
lilslutxxx: nno dun got it
lilslutxxx: ur a lyrisist? is that lyk a scientist?
lyricist-intoxicated: na
lyricist-intoxicated: it means ur lyrical
lyricist-intoxicated: i do the music thinng
lilslutxxx: ooo lik wat thig?
lilslutxxx: u sing?
lyricist-intoxicated: na
lyricist-intoxicated: i rapp
lilslutxxx: u play bass guitar?
lilslutxxx: ooo
lilslutxxx: wat u rap about?
lyricist-intoxicated: bout mi life
lilslutxxx: dats so cooool
lyricist-intoxicated: soo u got a man
lilslutxxx: no wai
lyricist-intoxicated: ic
lyricist-intoxicated: i wana c mor pics of u
lilslutxxx: u havta earn it bb
lyricist-intoxicated: must b sum exclusive pics if i gotta earn it;)
lilslutxxx: u noe
lilslutxxx: :)
lyricist-intoxicated: na i dunt
lyricist-intoxicated: show me how
lilslutxxx: show me sum rap lyrics?
lyricist-intoxicated: i freestyle so i woodnt b able to keep up wit mi typing
lyricist-intoxicated: i dunt write i juss say whats on mi mind wen im in front of a mic
lilslutxxx: cud u pllleeeaaaseee drop sum lines furr me
lyricist-intoxicated: well i dunt really kno anything bout u so i wont kno how 2 put nethin in a story
lyricist-intoxicated: i spit bout shyt like revenage nd torcher
lilslutxxx: u lyk torcher??
lyricist-intoxicated: well only if sum1 fuct wit mi family or mi money
lilslutxxx: o ic
lilslutxxx: czn u send me a line that u wrote b4? i wann hear ur rap music...
lyricist-intoxicated: ill juss say w.e den
lilslutxxx: yo i wanna hear it boii
lyricist-intoxicated: hazordiz to your life/ revolver bust once/ tempo ejects twice/ bodys piled up niice/ after bunn session/ scrap breggin/ no testin runn move hide is my suggesten, i still roll wit felons .
lyricist-intoxicated: crack heads like melons holes leak from black weapons
lyricist-intoxicated: therr u happy?
lilslutxxx: dats sick
lilslutxxx: you have made me happier than you could ever know,
lyricist-intoxicated.
lyricist-intoxicated: so what do i get frum all dat
lilslutxxx: i get u a solja
lyricist-intoxicated: i wana c ur pics

Lilslutxxx's Adventures on PlentyofFish

An introduction to Lilslutxxx

geronimo0007: hey whats up... looking good.. i have alot of great activities, if u want to be my partner.. :)
lilslutxxx: lyk wat??
geronimo0007: well for starters... sky jumping.. my favorite thing.. parasailing.. then for sure get to know you much better.. and i mean much better
geronimo0007: then we can go for a long walk
geronimo0007: and you can tell me all your desires
lilslutxxx: where wud we walk?
geronimo0007: well i worked and fixed up city hall, so its real nice there, or we could go to the beaches
geronimo0007: were would u wanna walk miss shy thing
geronimo0007: whats yur name.. mine is kevin
lilslutxxx: i dunno i like sidewalks
lilslutxxx: my name denonia
geronimo0007: sidewalks or just as good.. :).. nice to meet ya denonia
geronimo0007: thats a unique name...
geronimo0007: whats yur nationality
lilslutxxx: really??
lilslutxxx: im frum romania
geronimo0007: oh ok... nice.. your super cute tho..
lilslutxxx: tho?
lilslutxxx: all romanians are gorgeous
geronimo0007: actually u r right..most of you are real hot
geronimo0007: what you doin tonite...
geronimo0007: or what have u done?
lilslutxxx: went to the club...got really drunk lol stll am
geronimo0007: i was at a wedding and im pretty drunk too..lol..
geronimo0007: did u have fun..
lilslutxxx: noooo came hme alne
geronimo0007: aww that sucks... i guess they missed out... did u want some company
geronimo0007: :P
lilslutxxx: lol ur funneh
geronimo0007: ya im a comedian.. i didnt tell ya
geronimo0007: lol..
geronimo0007: wat club u go to..
geronimo0007: and im not a comedian... :)
lilslutxxx: girlzongirlz
lilslutxxx: UR NOT??
geronimo0007: no it was a joke...lol...
lilslutxxx: im cunfused
geronimo0007: never been there... but i like the name..
geronimo0007: hehehe
lilslutxxx: yea itz fun
geronimo0007: im not a comedian, sorry for the confusion were both drunk
geronimo0007: i bet it is...
lilslutxxx: so wut u into
geronimo0007: wat u mean by that...... im into hot women like you..
lilslutxxx: doin wat?
geronimo0007: wat r u into
geronimo0007: what?
lilslutxxx: girls like me doing wat?
geronimo0007: no no.. im just into hot girls.. for example YOU
geronimo0007: :P
lilslutxxx: im cunfused again
geronimo0007: lol.. yur funny...lol
geronimo0007: tell me wat yur into..??
geronimo0007: wats yur fav drink
lilslutxxx: ma fav drink is the slutty cheerleader
lilslutxxx: or a pink taco
geronimo0007: i luv pink tacos.. good stuff...
geronimo0007: so wats wit the name.. r u a freaky girl
lilslutxxx: der for girlsz, tho...
lilslutxxx: freaky how?
geronimo0007: freaky in bed, or just freaky in general... i mean yur name..lilslut
geronimo0007: i know the drinks r for girls... but i like real pink tacos..lol..
lilslutxxx: its a real drink
geronimo0007: i know.. its all good... wats in a slutty cheerleader...???
lilslutxxx: um i thik gin...n vodka, n its like purple n pink and i think it has jager
lilslutxxx: oohand sour puss
geronimo0007: ic ic... coo...
lilslutxxx: it cums in a jug
geronimo0007: mmm... sounds good but id rather make u cum... hehehe
geronimo0007: This user invited you into an anonymous phone call by clicking the phone button below. The join him in a private anonymous phone call phone: US (218) 486-4514 x 683493
geronimo0007: :P
geronimo0007: sorry bout that..lol.. i wasnt tryin to call ya
lilslutxxx: lol okay cuz my phone broke :(
geronimo0007: ohh man that sux... how...
lilslutxxx: i dropped it in a jug of slutty cheerleader :(
geronimo0007: and u went to the wrong place tonite or you wouldnt have cum home alone
geronimo0007: lol.. haha funny shit
lilslutxxx: i came home alonne cuz da boiis at the cl;ub wenr soldjas
geronimo0007: i know i should have cun seen me..:) i would have been a solja all nite and morning
lilslutxxx: tell me how u a soldja
geronimo0007: so why do u like blowjobs?? i hope yur good if u put it down..
lilslutxxx: im da best
lilslutxxx: now twll me how u a solja
geronimo0007: i would have brought u to a nice hotel.. drink some more.. i would have made u cum before my dick even entered you... i would have made you twitch and shake...
geronimo0007: i would also do anythin thaat maskes you happy or horny..
geronimo0007: id be there by your side all nite
geronimo0007: and wen u couldnt stadn anymore, wed lie there smokin a butt, maybe ajoint too
geronimo0007: is that solja enough foryou hun
lilslutxxx: I could do with like, 30-40% more soldja
geronimo0007: well i cant write on this thing all nite.. i want to show you.. but im down for anythin, anytime..
geronimo0007: tell me what the 30-40 percent is...
geronimo0007: and just cuz u say ur good dick sucker dont make it so
geronimo0007: so tell me what ya like?
lilslutxxx: i like it when men DONT doubt my blowjob abilities
geronimo0007: lol.. hahah your cute... i guess u told me...
geronimo0007: but u doubted me first hun.. lol..
lilslutxxx: i shud go...
geronimo0007: do u wat u plz..
lilslutxxx: bye den
geronimo0007: hope u find your soldeir, and not home alone... u missed out..
geronimo0007: lolol... bye hun
lilslutxxx: no i didnt ;)

Lilslutxxx's Adventures on PlentyofFish (An Introduction)

I'm a bad person.


Dye-go and I spent countless undocumented hours laughing at the matches he got on plentyoffish. As a huge douchebag enthusiast, PoF was the ultimate payoff--better than facebook and myspace combined when it came down to bare-knuckle douche gazing. So, I did some myspace slutty profile pic shopping (I know, that's immoral. Bite me.) and set up my profile, combining all the douchey techniques i'd picked up from other users.





I just love that she's Lutheran.



Yeah, yeah. I'm sure the girl who took this never intended for me to use the image. I'm a bad person. But i was myspacing slutty names and she was like, the third person to pop up.<>



So far, ONE person has commented on her being a third grade teacher at 18. Though he said she must be 'realy smartt'. Sidenote: "I'm looking a partner to do a whole bunch of activities ;) with" is a popular message.


I will continue to argue that this is totally justified.

The real reason I wanted to post this was because in the conversations, and also when reading the desperate PMs, it's easy to start feeling bad for these guys. Then I remember that when they say she seems 'really cool' and 'down to earth', they mean 'you have blowjobs in your interest' and 'you are 18 and talk about handbags in your profile.' This is lilslutxxx.


This was a passive aggressive jab at jagoffs who answer questions like this when they should have left them blank. ie: "Tell us something about yourself: UM I JUSS TOLD U ALL MY INTERESTS!!!!" or "First Date: I unnoo...letz see wer it goez."

Sunday, July 18, 2010

MEMOIRS: Showdown at 6am

I am writing a very serious memoir and am inviting you all to read it. Each chapter will be a frozen moment of momentous occasion monumentally monograpmed into the hearts of my readers, staying forever like a sticky fingerprint left too high up to reach or stretch marks on a lonely woman's thigh. Prepare yourself to be moved like you dun even noe. ferr srs.

Chapter One: Showdown at 6am

May. 22nd, 2009 10:22 am
mood: melancholy
music: My own tears and raging emotions


This morning, after having stayed up all night not writing an essay, I first took my dog for a walk, then returned to the park to have some alone time.

I was not alone.

I knew there was a presence. I could feel it. I told myself some neighbour there had gotten up early for work, and seeing the girl who normally frequented the park at a much later hour, they stared. Most of the people who lived near the park were old and Italian. This situation was likely.

I sat on the swing and separated myself from my environment, as I always do, listening to the poetic words of Mel Brooks, The Lonely Island or possibly Sarah Silverman. I was in the zone, ain't nobody would have messed with me. I watched, almost forgetting I was more than an audience to the Mormon kids across the street, who shuffled single file out of their house around 6:15 to learn about candles and beeswax and lynching. I watched little old ladies walk by and grab their purses uneasily when they saw the raw look of youth in my face. I saw a tired, sad man and his ironically hyperactive dog being dragged by. I saw movements in the grass that i assumed to be rabbits. I spent so long seeing because, I knew the moment I stopped, I would start feeling something looking back at me.

The sun had risen. By all accounts it could have been anytime in the morning; the eery crispness that somehow lingered in morning had passed. I felt I could go home. I felt I would be safe.

I was wrong.

Dead wrong.

Like, sooooo wrong.

Seriously. I was wrong.

There was a feline. It's colouring--I don't remember. It had entranced me with it's eyes. It's eyes. It stood in the centre of a driveway--one I knew it didn't belong in. It stood there, it's eyes unblinking, it's head following me in one swift motion as I passed--completely level. In this moment I knew only one thing: God was dead. In his place, this creature, this cat stood in judgement. It knew all of me. It wanted more from me. It showed no expression--it shared no wisdom while it took all I knew in those few seconds. It encompassed me entirely, seeing everything: My first boat ride. What each Alanis Morissette song ment to me. What I had for breakfast. How I would die. My middle name. My favorite Spice Girl. This creature took me all in, just because it could.

It was like, whaaaaaaaaaaaat.

Shellshock. I kept walking. I could feel it leave me the moment I passed the driveway. My four seconds of self divulging had left me empty, hollow. I was a newspaper without a comics section. I needed filling. But I was scared. I got three houses away from this cat, three houses away before my legs would stop. I turned slowly, to find the cat was still staring at me. I didn't allow it into my mind, I looked away. I knew it could make me give myself again.

I thought I wanted answers. I wanted salvation. I looked into its eyes again. It stared back. I went to it, hoping for...I don't know. What does one seek from its creator? What does one ask of its destructor? I wanted to cry to the cat. I wanted to get high and listen to Queen with this cat. I wanted...love.

To know I wasn't alone.

By the time I was two houses away, I could feel a connection growing. There was a static between us, something different than the first time. This was unapologetic. This was frightening even to the cat.

I was one house away when it happen. The fucker ran off. He came into my life, stole my secrets, and then took off like some sheep being chased by a jaded apostle. Into the bushes and out of my life.

So I went home.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Two Notebooks

People often ask me why I carry two notebooks.

I just wrote, "If I evolve, will i still be funny?" in one, then wrote "google seven year old schizo girl from Oprah" in the other.