Confessions Part 1

How racist is it that The Blind Side is making me want to watch The Green Mile?

...We don't actually LIKE Ben Mulroney

I'm really lame and want to use posts from facebook and livejournal here so that I can accurately draw a picture of my lameness. So here's a post I made Saturday, July 18, 2009 at 1:38am after Dye_go and I had a Ben Mulroney experience. I updated my facebook status to express said experience, and was met with what can only be described as a 'passive obnoxious backlash'. So I wrote those jerks this facebook note to explain why they were all wrong.

Enjoy.

************************************************************************************

Comedy was in the air, and all of Dundas Square was decked out for Just For Laughs.

We were standing outside Massey Hall, after having just seen the Sarah Silverman gala at Just For Laughs. We see one of the comics we just saw, Arj Barker (I'm not a huge fan, but he's really popular in the states) taking pictures and sighing autographs (probably just the pictures). As soon as we see him we are instantly terrified. Dye-Go says, "We might run into Sarah Silverman here, we must leave!" as we are both terrified of meeting anyone even remotely famous. I tell him, "Maybe it would be nice to see her, but not approach her." and so we looked stood there, awkwardly scoping out the crowd and trying not to look like a pair of losers scoping out the crowd. And then suddenly...

Ben Mulroney in a light blue sweater comes out of the crowd. I see him, and turn to Dye-Go and say nothing, staring stupidly. Dye-Go lingers for a moment and accidentally makes eye contact before looking at me.

We are unsure what to do or say.

Ben Mulroney walks by and grazes Dye-Go's shoulder. For a moment, the universe was cold and stagnant and everything we thought we knew was wrong. Then Dye-Go says his famous line, "We were just star struck by Ben Mulroney. We can NOT handle Sarah Silverman."

So we went to Fran's.

SO FOR ANYONE WHO COMMENTED ON THE FACEBOOK STATUS ABOUT SAID INCIDENT: We weren't like "OMG BENNY I WANNA HAVE UR BABBBIIEEZZ. It was merely fate reminding us that we make assholes of ourselves near wannabe no talents and thusly even being near Sarah Silverman would be dangerous for everyone involved.

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At the time, I was very passionate about making sure nobody thought I was a Ben Mulroney fan.

Carmerio Watches 'Twilight Saga: New Moon' in Real Time PART TWO

Read Part one HERE!

Whaaat? We’re back! More angsty twilight hatin’. This is more play-by-play reactions to the Twilight Saga's 'New Moon' in which the shit, I do believe, gets serious.

We left off with Bella about to go on a dangerous Motorcycle. Long story short, she crashes, and Jacob runs over to her. She apollogizes for bleeding, which prompts him to be all 'LOLZ Ur appollogizin' furr bleedin?' and we're all like 'Hey! He's better than Edward!'

Then Bella sits with her friends after sitting alone and crying for months, and they’re all "look who decided to SHOW UP!" "Yeah, thanks for being DEPRESSED, IDIOT!" but they soon realize that they’re all average looking at best, and need at least one beautiful person to get them tables at restaurants and hit on cops to get them out of trouble when they eventually discover alcohol, so they let her sit with them.

Unfortunately for the too-beautiful-for-her-own-good Bella, Captain Blue Plaid Shirt IMMEDIATELY tries to hit that. He even comments that seeing as she is ‘talking’ and ‘eating’ again, she’s good to go. Aside from my immediate response, which was, “Give her some TIME, Jesus CHRIST!’ I found myself pondering this guy’s foresight. Bella just, as he so poetically pointed out in the same breath as asking her out, mourned her last break-up with what can only be described as a very serious, no-nonsense scream-sleep-havin’ depression. And he wants to get involved with that? I mean, the complexities alone of dating someone so twitchy and awkward are astounding, but this chick's CRAZY.

“So, listen…now that you’re uh…talking…and uh, eating again…” I just had to add that here. He SAID that. That's a thing he SAID.

(this was Bella expression while he was asking her out. And he still asked her out. And she somehow said yes.)

They go to the movie, Jacob comes, and it's really awkward and hard for her because so many guys wanna fuck her. Like, it's CRAZY.

She tells Jacob she can't date him in the most cock-teasing way possible, then loses her shit over him. She basically pulls the same ridiculously dramatic and needy bullshit as she did with Edward, calling him a million times and then confronting him in the rain, hysterically screaming, ‘it KILLS me! It’s KILLING me!’. Wasn’t she all to into ignoring him in the first one? I seem to remember him always looking like he felt really lame around her. Perhaps he grew up and realized that there was something wrong with Bella--That she was obsessed with a 109 year old dead guy who stopped calling, that she bit her lips all the time and ‘uh’ way to often. Or that she has some weird displacement from reality and keeps talking about whether or not her last boyfriend even existed.

Oh, wait, no. He’s just going through Werewolf puberty. *makes hair-where-there-wasn’t-hair-before joke*

Then she’s suddenly attacked by a vampire in a field. He’s all cool and dread-lock-y, but he means serious business. Dead Boyfriend pops up and is all, “Lie!” because he must have just remembered that it’s his fault this other curly-hair chick put a vampire hit out on her. If he’s all chivalry and lovey-dovey, isn’t the gentlemen thing to do when your actions cause your lady to be wanted dead by some mystical-ass-peeps, stick around and protect her with ur madd vampyre skillz?

But Bella’s all ‘w/e imma get sum wolves n shit on dis’ and then Jacob and his friends are forced to go head to head with dead-lock-y vampire. But who cares?

She runs home, and Graham Greene is in her kitchen with her dad. And instead of saying, “I LOVED YOU ON RED GREEN!” she says, “THEY’RE NOT BEARS!” or something. Her father, who apparently is really afraid of bears but has no fear of huge-ass-mother-fucking-wolves, asks Graham Greene to go hunting with him. Graham Greene looks uncomfortable.

Then she remembers there’s an angry bitch vampire after her. So she worries too much to scream-sleep, then Jacob Koi Ponds his way up to her room. Why isn’t he wearing a shirt? I mean, he’s wearing PANTS! It’s not like you can successfully transform from a person to a wolf and back and keep your pants on but not your shirt. And I’m pretty sure its not that hot out.

Anyway, the non-shirtless point of the scene is that he realizes she knew the Cullens were vampires, and he’s all ‘WTF MAN NOT COOL’ and literally jumps out the window and jogs away.

So, seeing as he’s told her for, what, the third time now? that he needs space, she goes to his house and barges in on him sleeping. She creepily watches him (a trick she learned from Edward) and then runs off to slap some natives in the face. Then the native she slapped turns into a wolf. Then it chases her. Then Jacob, who apparently sleeping in running shoes, does that whole run-jump-wolf thang we’ve all seen in the trailer.

Oh, did I mention that Jacob is a red when he’s a wolf? Because apparently just BEING a wolf wasn’t a big enough ‘special trait’ for Stephanie Meyer. All the other hunky native boys are just boring old GREY mother-fucking wolves.

Then the native boys waste what could have been a REALLY sexy scene by fighting in animal form. Someone makes a ‘wolf’s outta the bag!’ joke, and suddenly that whole tribal-secret-don’t-tell-white-people-cult-like-oath stuff is forgotten.

I enjoyed this exchange:

Emily(?):“So, you’re the Vampire Girl.”

Bella: “So, you’re the Wolf Girl.”
A lovely moment when the white and native communities can come together and both define women by the men they date. Or their fetishes, be they necrophilia or bestiality, respectively.

I’d also like to point out that both the Wolf Girl and the Vampire Girl bare scars that their men gave them (Bella’s is a tape-worm looking scar on her wrist, Wolf girl has scratches all down her face). Just saying.

Not making a feminist comment about it, just SAYING.

Then in an awkward exchange between the natives and Bella about vampires and wolves in which ‘pale face!’ is almost spouted, Bella calls them monsters. After they just offered her muffins. What a BITCH.

Jacob comes back, and this time he’s wearing a shirt. I don’t know what the symbolism is in that yet. They go for a long walk, in which Bella scoulds his anti-vampire pro-wolf life, and he exclaims, “It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella! I was just born this way, I can’t help it!” What the fuck are we talking about here, Jake?

This movie is fucking TWO HOURS LONG.

Bla bla bla some shit happens and she jumps off a cliff. Graham Greene died. Some wolves chased curly haired vampire chick.

BAHAHAHA:
Alice: I saw you jump off a cliff! Why would you try to kill yourself!?

Bella: I…I didn’t try to kill myself!...I was…Cliff diving! It was fun.

Later, Alice says, “I have never met anyone more prone to life-threatening idiocy!” preach it, dead lady. She then goes on to call the native boys, ‘a pack of mutts!’ and refuses to return with Jacob in the room, calling him a dog. Werewolf puns aside, that shit is RACIST.

Then Jacob pulls a quick one and makes Edward think Bella’s dead when she’s not. He breaks a phone and runs off to kill himself. OMFG THEY’RE READING ROMEO AND JULIET IN CLASSSSSSS ITS LYKE SOOOO THE SAAAMMMEEEEEEEE HOLLLEEEEE!!! less than slash threeee!!!"

I love Bella’s total lack of respect for anyone but Edward. In her haste to enter a 'car, plane, super-cool-car' montage, she leaves Jacob, who desperately tried to stop her, saying, “What about your dad?” but she’s a smart cookie. “I left a note.”

A note, I imagine, that looked like this:

Dear Charlie,

I went to the store
to get cigarettes.

-Bella.

The rest of this is too gross to describe. Jesus CHRIST. When’s Dakota Fanning in this? Uhg, god. Bella just said she’s ‘Nothing, I’m uh, nothing…I’m human, nothing…” and he said ‘You’re everything to me.” *eyeroll* I think they're explaining why he left. I ACTUALLY can't listen.

Like, this is actually unbareable.

DAKOTA FANNING! Okay, it should get good now, right? There’s 15 minutes left. Dakota, rock it!

...

...


This was an Awkward Elevator Scene. No lie.

I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. Mega Video fucked up again with ten minutes left, and i cant go and try to find it somewhere else, I CANT. The last 20 or so minutes were infuriating, maybe I'll do them another time. MAYBE.

Carmerio Watches 'Twilight Saga: New Moon' in Real Time

Read Part Two Here!

Feeling Masochistic one day, I decided to watch Twilight Saga: New Moon. These are my real-time responses to the events in the film, with as little editing as possible and a lot of pausing on my end.


Ugh. First things first, this starts on her birthday. In this movie, I assume (from the shoved-down-your-through dream where she looks like her nana and subsequent age-paranoia that follows) Bella realizes not that her boyfriend is FUCKING OVER ONE HUNDRED but that he looks 17, and also enjoys 17 year old ass. So her birthday is like, REALLY hard for her, because she's turning 18, and he's like, TOTALLY gonna be like 'ew, u r no lngr ma heroin kthanxbi' and dump her gross, old ass and start shooting up some hot young 15 year old chick. worst. birthday. EVAR.



Wait a minute. This ‘Bella Swan’ is trying so hard to be Claire Fisher (she fails) that she claims to ‘not like being celebrated’ on her birthday and has a no-gift rule. Yet when he 109 year old boyfriend says: “You give me everything just by breathing” she gets wet. I call lies on this anti-birthday bullshit. Lastly: Bitch, you live in the most dreary, sad town in existence and are dating the most sad, dead guy in that town. Lighten up. Have some cake.



So…the scene from the trailer where a paper cut throws Crazy Eyes Vampire into a tizzy: I, like every twelve year old boy in existence, still wonder what they do when she’s on her period. I MEAN COME ON. SERIOUSLY.



COME ON!





SERIOUSLY!





YOU CAN’T JUST NOT EXPLAIN THAT SHIT.

uh oh, break up in the woods. I really enjoy Bella’s empowered mourning process. Sexy Vampire breaks up with her and she stares out her window for three months, sits alone at his old table at lunch and scream-sleeps. She scream-sleeps so much her father kicks her out of the house. Of course, the most pathetic break-up in history is highlighted by her desperate e-mails to her ex’s sister. These letters are made up of the lines you might find posted on a facebook R.I.P Group: “I saw him today.” “It’s like a huge hole has been punched through my chest” and something I had to pause the MegaVideo and copy as it was TOO lame to ask Kirstin Stewart to speak outloud, the following:

“Time pauses. Every tick that goes by…aches…like the pulse of blood behind a bruise...But in a way I’m glad. The pain is my only reminder that he was real. That you all were…”

1) I assume this was signed –Bella “My Heart Aches” Swan or “The Ex-Future Mrs. Cullen”

2) WHY WOULD YOU SO GRAPHICALLY MENTION BLOOD TO A VAMPIRE? That is not a clever theme/allusion/wtfever, Meyers, it’s just INCORRECT. How would Alice know what that feels like?


Oh, and she managed to distance herself from her friends to the point of hilarity: “Jessica…it’s Bella. *pause* Bella Swan.” HOW MANY GIRLS NAMED BELLA ARE THERE IN THIS BUMFUCKTOWN?


Then we’re introduced to some overtly attractive native boys (I know, redundant) who are all apparently single and lame. She starts to spend time with the Jacob one, whom I know about because I have a 15 year old cousin who is on ‘Team Jacob’. I assume this is similar to ‘Team Conan’. If fact, Jacob seems to be stepping in to the void left by Dead Boyfriend, and I have a snnneeeaaakkiinngg suspicion that Dead BoyFriend is gonna return and demand the 11:35 spot, so we’ll see who gets their own trending twitter topic by the end of this film.



Oh, look, more scream sleeping. The father rushes in to comfort her, and then starts the sentence, “So…hanging out with Jacob…” and I assume he’s about to say something hilariously racist. He doesn’t.



Then she’s riding motorcycles in an attempt to do something stupid so he comes back to save her. She desperately needs to be 'saved' cuz she's like, sooo empowered she doubles back on being pathetic. Before this she got on a rapist's motorcycle and drove off with him until the disembodied head of Dead Boyfriend popped up and scolded her for making the wrong choices.



Lets analyze this: Bella is hurling herself towards suicide in an attempt to get attention from this guy she hasn’t seen in months. What’s pissing his floating head off about this situation is that she ‘promised she wouldn’t do anything reckless.’



Just sayin. It’s fucked.



Anyway, sh—WHAT THE FUCK? I refreshed because it was buffering for too long, and now it says its been removed due to infringement.



I guess I’ll have to wait for another 7am to watch / complain about the second half. Sorry peeps.

Read Part Two Here!

Carmerio Offends Someone (But Not Really)

I am not a cool person. By ANY stretch of the imagination. Instead of breaking it down to you in witty prose (which would make me seem cooler than I am just by being witty) I will provide you with this short anecdote with only one moral: I am not fit to communicate in an capacity with other human beings.




It all started when a friend of mine--who had been tweetjoking recently about this website--tweeted the following tweet:

(for the record, she tweeted: "I had a dream today that I met Justin Bieber. What does that mean?")


Myself, being a social imbecile, thought it would be hilarious to draw a comparison to that website, Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber, and replied as such:

(For the record, I, for some reason, thought 'That you look like a lesbian?' would be an appropriate response.)

Yeah, I'm starting to realize why I've been told my name should be 'hate' instead of Kate.

Anyway, my good friend Dye_go --I am still unsure if he is the good guy or the bad guy in all this, pointed out how lame it is to tell someone they look like a lesbian. Especially when they've just confessed to dreaming about Justin Bieber. And especially when this person hasn't exactly come to you with this information, but had just casually tweeted it. But especially when they have entire Facebook albums dedicated to women with short, edgy hair cuts because that's just something she's very passionate about. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway, the following is FURTHER proof of my social imbecility--IF in fact that is a word.

From Twitter to Facebook, people. The awkwardness ensues and is only ended by this lady's grace.

Kate Carmerio to Casanova April 9 at 3:35am

So, that reply tweet I sent you was in reference to that ‘Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber’ website. I figured you’d get it and it’d be fine and worst case scenario was it’s not that funny, but then Dye_go was all “That was BOLD.” And I was all “Waaa?” and he was all “That tweet. That was BOLD.” And I was all “I meant that website! I’m sure Casanova knows what I meant.” And he was all “You better HOPE. It was so BOLD” and I was like “Waaaa?!?!?” and he kept saying “BOLD!” and I was all “I’m pretty sure she posted it on her facebook AND THEN I COULDN’T FIND IT and then I was like “WILL SHE GET IT! She’ll get it, right!?” and then he admitted to be joking the whole time to get me all worked up about offending you because I always get worked up about offending people. BUT NOW I’M WORKED UP.

So, just for good measure: Hey, Casanova! There’s this website that’s been going around the interwebs that compares photos of lesbians to photos of Justin Bieber to imply that the two share both a sense of fashion and hair style choices. Seeing as you dreampt about meeting Mr. Bieber, perhaps your mind is telling you you look like a lesbian—what with that philosophy that everyone in your dream represents some part of you and the recent popularity of the site. Ha, ha-ha, Ha! What fun.

p.s. Not that you look like a lesbian. I don’t even know what a lesbian WOULD look like, because I don’t SEE people like that. Not that I would CARE if you looked like a lesbian, or that I think YOU would care if you looked like a lesbian which you MIGHT because as I said previously, I don’t even KNOW what one LOOKS like because I’m so OPEN MINDED.


p.p.s. Don’t tell Dye_go he won.


p.p.p.s.I was gonna comment PRE-tweet on your profile picture saying 'you're looking very Shane today' and now I'm not sure if that would have helped or hindered our little situation.


Kate.

This was then followed up, thank god, by her reply.

Casanova to Kate Carmerio April 9 at 10:06am

Bahahahaha, oh man. Okay, I promise I won't tell him. I have seen the website. I first saw it several weeks ago, and have been following it on my RSS feed ever since. I've even shared it with my actual lesbian friends, just to make sure they're cool with it. So yes, I did get it. It may have been construed as 'BOLD' by people who don't get it, but we shan't worry about them.

And, honestly, apart from some weird work-related anxieties, and a Muslim family living in a garden shed, most of my dream was about me trying to get my picture taken with Mr. Bieber so I could send it in to the website.
I have recently cut my hair so that I look less like Mr. Bieber, but possibly more like a lesbian. Not that I know what a lesbian is supposed to look like, because I, too, am OPEN MINDED.

P.S. I would have taken, "You're looking very Shane today," to have been a wonderful compliment.

Casanova

So basically, I'm just a big loser.

-Carmerio

Things People Say That Bug The Fuck Out of Me

This is a list I wrote in the summer, which was fairly well recieved and I think still expresses my hatred accurately. Please enjoy.

August 2009

So, when it rains at my cottage, I get to sit inside and write and look out the window and think, ''Pretty! Life is so good!" and then wonder why I'm so angry at everything. I realized why! I'm angry because I hate people! So I decided to let my anger soar, and reflect upon some of the annoying things people latch on to saying and then repeat constantly until I want to scream, "I'M GOING POSTAL!"

Anyway, here's the list of things people say, regularily, that bugs the fuck out of me.



1) “I don’t watch TV” / “There’s nothing good on TV. I don’t know why we even have cable!” Problem: Yes, you do watch television. You just watch crap and are afraid to admit it. Secondly, there is a WIDE variety of excellent programs on even the most basic of cable packages. It’s not my fault you have a thing for Charlie Sheen and haven’t figured out that The Simpsons and Seinfeld are on seven times a day, or that 30 Rock and The Office really are as funny as everyone says. And that’s just in the half hour comedy spectrum. Give HBO a try, or hold out for reruns of The Sopranos and Mad Men; buy yourself Six Feet Under. Saying “There’s nothing good on TV!” is like saying “I don’t read because I read all the good books already.” No. You have not. Next Thursday, look a little beyond ‘More to Love’ and find something important to watch.
Offenders:

-Dentists

-Surly aunts

-Douche bags who walk in on conversations about last week’s ‘True Blood’



2) “Oh, that Facebook! Those kids put so much information on that facebook! A girl at my work got fired because of pictures she put up on facebook! It’s astonishing, really!” / “I can’t STAND Facebook. It used to be cool, but then everyone got it. I’m NEVER on my Facebook account, my girlfriend updates it for me.” / “I don’t need to know what you had for breakfast!” / “PSHT! 345 friends?! Yeah, right, Facebook!” Problem: Girl-from-work who posted naked/incriminating photos is an idiot. I use Facebook regularly, and I’ve managed to never accidentally upload photos of me taking shots of a cadaver or whatever the fuck people are doing to get fired because of their pictures. Similar to the ‘I don’t watch TV’ people, those who put down facebook are shameless holier than thou types who want everyone to know how much better they are than up slobs who like to share pictures and write hilarious and angry notes. From me to you: Fuck off.
Offenders:

-Ex-facebookers

-Parents who are inexplicably/weirdly active on facebook

-Any adult who works in the same space as teenagers

-People who have avoided facebook/think they are too good for facebook



3) “I don’t need to know when someone is eating breakfast, going to the bathroom, or making lunch. Twitter, no thank you” Problem: Especially when updated as a facebook fucking status this comment just emphasizes how unaware people are of things they do not understand. Friends, I have Twitter. I got it because Emma did. It’s scary and confusing at first, but also a lot simpler and more private than facebook. Just like facebook the amount of stupid you’ll experience on this social networking site is directly fucking proportional to who you choose to follow. I follow a ton of comedians and a few select friends, and I’ve never been informed about anyone’s use of the bathroom, breakfast or lunch habits.What I HAVE found is constant intriguing link from around the world, including Sarah Silverman’s favorite/hilarious Youtube links and Emma’s daily ‘Sexist Event of the Day’ (Sidenote: I have seen that facebook status multiple times, and it always has the ‘what you had for breakfast’ update. Who the fuck has experienced this update?)
Offenders:

-People inexplicably on facebook

-People who don’t have facebook or twitter, and like to remind us all of that

-All those jerks who complain and ‘start petitions’ when facebook changes its layout.



4) “You get out of frosh what you put into it.” Problem: Camp games are stupid. I’ll make friends the old fashioned way: by seeking out the other cynical assholes judging other people in the back of the class.
Offenders:

-Ex-Camp leaders

-People who cling to the same social hierarchy of high school

-People who know a lot of people at their university all ready

-Annoying do-gooders (Overly Social People)



5) “What are you going to do after you graduate?” I DON’T FUCKING KNOW OKAY?
Offenders:

-Friends

-Family

-Family Friends

-Friends of Family



6) “Most people consider Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert to be their main source of news, and that’s just a sign of how stupid and ignorant this generation is.” / “I read somewhere that 90% of college students consider The Daily Show and the Colbert Report to be the best source of news! Society = Fail!” Problem: Hey. Hi. We’re Canadian. Most of us don’t get Fox News, and therefore all our knowledge about the hilariously one-sidedness of general American broadcasting comes mostly from Stewart, Colbert, and that guy who uploads them on Youtube. As far as some huge amount of people considering those programs to be as good as news—no. Just, no. Both shows are set up to parody news shows, and would, I imagine, be confusing and unfunny to someone who wasn’t at least somewhat aware of the world around them (i.e. someone who didn’t watch the news or read the news paper. Stewart and Colbert have just mastered pointing out the ridiculousness and stating with a hilarious and unifying voice what an entire generation is thinking. Also, lets face it; they’re popular (and hilarious) programs which expose the less-than-honest side of most powerful networks. I’m not saying these stats are made up, but go to any college dorm and say, “Fox News or The Daily Show?!” and at least 60% of people are going to make a point of saying TDS is far superior to Fox News.
Offenders:

-Bill O’Reilly

-Conservative uncles

-Uncles with no children who like to judge ‘our generation’

-Professors who have given up



7) “Women aren’t funny. All female comics ever talk about is getting their period.” / “Women comics just don’t appeal to men. That’s why there are so many more male comics than female comics” Problem: You are sexist and unaware of anything.
Offenders:

-People on the interweb

-Dane Cook fans



8) “Hunting animals is absolutely disgusting. Going into the woods and hunting poor, innocent creatures until they’re extinct is inhumane and cruel.” Problem: You are confusing hunting with poaching. Hunters take into account all the intricate ripple effects that happen when you enter an ecosystem. They know and respect the laws regarding when certain animals can be hunted in an honest attempt to keep life going and not fucking anything up royally. I respect vegetarians, vegans, and anyone else who chooses not to eat things because it once had a face. And most of them respect me back. Unfortunately, some of them like to say things like ‘How can your father go and shoot a deer!?’ and to them I say, “With a gun and probably some sort of skinning knife because if it was a big one he’d have to dress it where it landed.” If you’re still having trouble, allow me to walk you through an exercise: pretend that humans live on earth. Now pretend that humans need to eat. Now pretend that a bear would eat you if it was hungry enough. Now picture Sobey’s doesn’t exist. Starting to make sense?
Offenders:

-Some (not all) vegetarians

-Health Nazis


9) “Macs are sooo much better than PCs.” / “PCs are sooo much better than Macs.” Problem: it has been my personal experience that Macs are the Vancouver of computer software. Everyone with a Mac thinks they’re so much better off, and enjoy putting down PCs whenever they can. The reality is; it doesn’t fucking matter. I’ve found most PC users don’t really care about the differences between the two computer softwares (or whatever the term is) and are probably perfectly fine with their PCs or simply can’t afford one of your precious fucking Mac books. Though, I have run into the occasional uppity PC person. I feel like anyone who puts down whichever one they don’t have, is either a cheap, remourseful PC user or a bitter, newly-poor Mac user trying to justify their purchase by being a douche bag. I do not care anymore. I’m tired of hearing about Macs and PCs. I just am.

Offenders:
-Mac AND PC users
-Rich kids




10) “Oh, why, I see you have a ‘carpe diem’ tattoo. How humorous that you enjoy sleeping in. Ha, Ha-Ha! Ha!” Problem: People love hating tattoos. So fine; it’s permanent and I got it young in life. Once again, putting down my personal choice that does not in any way effect you is a way of building yourself up. Also—that’s not what ‘carpe diem’ means. I used to jokingly answer the idiots who said that to me with ‘I sleep in because I was seizing the day last night!” but now I just say, “That’s not what it means.” And in my head I say, “Read more, you oaf.”
Offenders:

-Uncles/Uncle type figures

-People who utilize piercings

-People who think they’re hilarious

Can You Even Handle This Blog?

1)Do you often take joy in other’s pain?

a) Never
b) Sometimes
c) Often
d) Always

2)Picture someone spilling coffee on themselves. Are you laughing?

a) No.
b) Not really.
c) Yes.
d) That’s fucking hilARious.

3)Okay, okay. What if it was a hipster?

a) No.
b) It’s a little funnier…
c) BAhaha.
d) Fucking. HilARiOUS.

4)That’s right. Picture his stupid ironic t-shirt being SOILED. His Ipod dangling manically from his oversized novelty headphones blasting some pretentious band he’s deemed ‘organic’ and ‘raw’. The bike chain he chose to wear as a belt for some reason becoming as sticking and unmanageable as his hair, and his beard—oh, dear reader his beard—has become a twisted mess of pubic-level-curly hair and regret.

a) I am now uncomfortable.
b) Yeah, this is getting weird.
c) Ha…ha…
d) Let’s make that HAPPEN to someone!

5)Have you ever found yourself thouroughly enjoying a particularily nasty exchange betweet a customer/client/guest/classmate/co-worker/family member/stranger and yourself because it was literally ‘the most hilarious thing ever’?


a) I don’t like mean people. But they don’t normally effect me.
b) Yeah, some people can be annoying.
c) I hate those jagoffs.
d) I created a blog to complain about those jagoffs.


6)Have you tried several times to delete that annoying jerk from highschool off your facebook page but failed because it’s just so much fun making fun of him?

a) That’s like exploitation or something.
b) No, I just delete them.
c) I delete them but then I stalk them occastionally—for the self esteem boost.
d) Who would delete Ryann Gunshotz Killademthugs? He’s a level four Mafia Wars vet!

7)Do you love/hate/love to hate drunk people?

a) I don’t drink. But I also don’t judge.
b) Only the loud ones.
c) Lock them up.
d) Shoot them. (but first take pictures)

8)I mean when you’re sober.

a) They can be bothersome.
b) Ugh. Yes.
c) Lock them up and shoot them.
d) Shoot them twice.

9)Do you have a word that means ‘fuck you’ only to yourself?

a) I don’t swear.
b) I’ve told someone to Eff Off.
c) I just say ‘fuck you’.
d) When I say, “Cheers” I always mean ‘fuck you’.

I think we all know which end of the spectrum belongs on this page. Please, feel free to spread the hate and leave a comment.

(This post is a little rushed, I just wanted to add something before going to work so a certain friend of mine would stop complaining about my empty blog. Friends are jerks.)

An Attempted Introduction and a Silly Confession

Hello, dear reader.

How are you? What’s new and happening? How’s the dog—or cat? What’s up with that guy at work? Did you ever get that thing on your arm checked out? Strange weather we’re having, eh?

I’m a lot of things, dear reader. I could list them all, but that wouldn’t be a very good introduction. It’d be very accurate, but not very good. And I want a good introduction, because, dear reader: I’m trying to impress you.

Yes—I’m trying to impress you right now. That’s my confession. I want to be famous on the internet and that means impressing you because The Customer Is Always Right. We say the same thing in waitressing, except my boss makes us say ‘guest’ instead of ‘customer’. So, let’s try that. You’re my Guest, then.

Welcome.

How are you?

Shit. We covered that.

Here’s the deal: I’m going to be your dancing monkey. I’m going to say the things that happen in my life in a witty way and you will follow and you will laugh. I will not make money off of this, but it will make up for years and years of lack of acceptance from my peers.

I want to keep this unfunny intro short.

Here’s my angle: I hate everyone and am basically a big loser who embarrasses myself all the time. I’ll document the hating and the failing, and maybe we’ll discover they’re somehow linked. Or maybe I’ll fail at this and end up hating blogging. Either way, we’ll all grow a little.

I’ll end this now.