Feeling Masochistic one day, I decided to watch Twilight Saga: New Moon. These are my real-time responses to the events in the film, with as little editing as possible and a lot of pausing on my end.
Ugh. First things first, this starts on her birthday. In this movie, I assume (from the shoved-down-your-through dream where she looks like her nana and subsequent age-paranoia that follows) Bella realizes not that her boyfriend is FUCKING OVER ONE HUNDRED but that he looks 17, and also enjoys 17 year old ass. So her birthday is like, REALLY hard for her, because she's turning 18, and he's like, TOTALLY gonna be like 'ew, u r no lngr ma heroin kthanxbi' and dump her gross, old ass and start shooting up some hot young 15 year old chick. worst. birthday. EVAR.
Wait a minute. This ‘Bella Swan’ is trying so hard to be Claire Fisher (she fails) that she claims to ‘not like being celebrated’ on her birthday and has a no-gift rule. Yet when he 109 year old boyfriend says: “You give me everything just by breathing” she gets wet. I call lies on this anti-birthday bullshit. Lastly: Bitch, you live in the most dreary, sad town in existence and are dating the most sad, dead guy in that town. Lighten up. Have some cake.
So…the scene from the trailer where a paper cut throws Crazy Eyes Vampire into a tizzy: I, like every twelve year old boy in existence, still wonder what they do when she’s on her period. I MEAN COME ON. SERIOUSLY.
COME ON!
SERIOUSLY!
YOU CAN’T JUST NOT EXPLAIN THAT SHIT.
uh oh, break up in the woods. I really enjoy Bella’s empowered mourning process. Sexy Vampire breaks up with her and she stares out her window for three months, sits alone at his old table at lunch and scream-sleeps. She scream-sleeps so much her father kicks her out of the house. Of course, the most pathetic break-up in history is highlighted by her desperate e-mails to her ex’s sister. These letters are made up of the lines you might find posted on a facebook R.I.P Group: “I saw him today.” “It’s like a huge hole has been punched through my chest” and something I had to pause the MegaVideo and copy as it was TOO lame to ask Kirstin Stewart to speak outloud, the following:
“Time pauses. Every tick that goes by…aches…like the pulse of blood behind a bruise...But in a way I’m glad. The pain is my only reminder that he was real. That you all were…”
1) I assume this was signed –Bella “My Heart Aches” Swan or “The Ex-Future Mrs. Cullen”
2) WHY WOULD YOU SO GRAPHICALLY MENTION BLOOD TO A VAMPIRE? That is not a clever theme/allusion/wtfever, Meyers, it’s just INCORRECT. How would Alice know what that feels like?
Oh, and she managed to distance herself from her friends to the point of hilarity: “Jessica…it’s Bella. *pause* Bella Swan.” HOW MANY GIRLS NAMED BELLA ARE THERE IN THIS BUMFUCKTOWN?
Then we’re introduced to some overtly attractive native boys (I know, redundant) who are all apparently single and lame. She starts to spend time with the Jacob one, whom I know about because I have a 15 year old cousin who is on ‘Team Jacob’. I assume this is similar to ‘Team Conan’. If fact, Jacob seems to be stepping in to the void left by Dead Boyfriend, and I have a snnneeeaaakkiinngg suspicion that Dead BoyFriend is gonna return and demand the 11:35 spot, so we’ll see who gets their own trending twitter topic by the end of this film.
Oh, look, more scream sleeping. The father rushes in to comfort her, and then starts the sentence, “So…hanging out with Jacob…” and I assume he’s about to say something hilariously racist. He doesn’t.
Then she’s riding motorcycles in an attempt to do something stupid so he comes back to save her. She desperately needs to be 'saved' cuz she's like, sooo empowered she doubles back on being pathetic. Before this she got on a rapist's motorcycle and drove off with him until the disembodied head of Dead Boyfriend popped up and scolded her for making the wrong choices.
Lets analyze this: Bella is hurling herself towards suicide in an attempt to get attention from this guy she hasn’t seen in months. What’s pissing his floating head off about this situation is that she ‘promised she wouldn’t do anything reckless.’
Just sayin. It’s fucked.
Anyway, sh—WHAT THE FUCK? I refreshed because it was buffering for too long, and now it says its been removed due to infringement.
I guess I’ll have to wait for another 7am to watch / complain about the second half. Sorry peeps.
Read Part Two Here!
No comments:
Post a Comment