Whaaat? We’re back! More angsty twilight hatin’. This is more play-by-play reactions to the Twilight Saga's 'New Moon' in which the shit, I do believe, gets serious.
We left off with Bella about to go on a dangerous Motorcycle. Long story short, she crashes, and Jacob runs over to her. She apollogizes for bleeding, which prompts him to be all 'LOLZ Ur appollogizin' furr bleedin?' and we're all like 'Hey! He's better than Edward!'
Then Bella sits with her friends after sitting alone and crying for months, and they’re all "look who decided to SHOW UP!" "Yeah, thanks for being DEPRESSED, IDIOT!" but they soon realize that they’re all average looking at best, and need at least one beautiful person to get them tables at restaurants and hit on cops to get them out of trouble when they eventually discover alcohol, so they let her sit with them.
Unfortunately for the too-beautiful-for-her-own-good Bella, Captain Blue Plaid Shirt IMMEDIATELY tries to hit that. He even comments that seeing as she is ‘talking’ and ‘eating’ again, she’s good to go. Aside from my immediate response, which was, “Give her some TIME, Jesus CHRIST!’ I found myself pondering this guy’s foresight. Bella just, as he so poetically pointed out in the same breath as asking her out, mourned her last break-up with what can only be described as a very serious, no-nonsense scream-sleep-havin’ depression. And he wants to get involved with that? I mean, the complexities alone of dating someone so twitchy and awkward are astounding, but this chick's CRAZY.
“So, listen…now that you’re uh…talking…and uh, eating again…” I just had to add that here. He SAID that. That's a thing he SAID.
(this was Bella expression while he was asking her out. And he still asked her out. And she somehow said yes.)
They go to the movie, Jacob comes, and it's really awkward and hard for her because so many guys wanna fuck her. Like, it's CRAZY.
She tells Jacob she can't date him in the most cock-teasing way possible, then loses her shit over him. She basically pulls the same ridiculously dramatic and needy bullshit as she did with Edward, calling him a million times and then confronting him in the rain, hysterically screaming, ‘it KILLS me! It’s KILLING me!’. Wasn’t she all to into ignoring him in the first one? I seem to remember him always looking like he felt really lame around her. Perhaps he grew up and realized that there was something wrong with Bella--That she was obsessed with a 109 year old dead guy who stopped calling, that she bit her lips all the time and ‘uh’ way to often. Or that she has some weird displacement from reality and keeps talking about whether or not her last boyfriend even existed.
Oh, wait, no. He’s just going through Werewolf puberty. *makes hair-where-there-wasn’t-hair-before joke*
Then she’s suddenly attacked by a vampire in a field. He’s all cool and dread-lock-y, but he means serious business. Dead Boyfriend pops up and is all, “Lie!” because he must have just remembered that it’s his fault this other curly-hair chick put a vampire hit out on her. If he’s all chivalry and lovey-dovey, isn’t the gentlemen thing to do when your actions cause your lady to be wanted dead by some mystical-ass-peeps, stick around and protect her with ur madd vampyre skillz?
But Bella’s all ‘w/e imma get sum wolves n shit on dis’ and then Jacob and his friends are forced to go head to head with dead-lock-y vampire. But who cares?
She runs home, and Graham Greene is in her kitchen with her dad. And instead of saying, “I LOVED YOU ON RED GREEN!” she says, “THEY’RE NOT BEARS!” or something. Her father, who apparently is really afraid of bears but has no fear of huge-ass-mother-fucking-wolves, asks Graham Greene to go hunting with him. Graham Greene looks uncomfortable.
Then she remembers there’s an angry bitch vampire after her. So she worries too much to scream-sleep, then Jacob Koi Ponds his way up to her room. Why isn’t he wearing a shirt? I mean, he’s wearing PANTS! It’s not like you can successfully transform from a person to a wolf and back and keep your pants on but not your shirt. And I’m pretty sure its not that hot out.
Anyway, the non-shirtless point of the scene is that he realizes she knew the Cullens were vampires, and he’s all ‘WTF MAN NOT COOL’ and literally jumps out the window and jogs away.
So, seeing as he’s told her for, what, the third time now? that he needs space, she goes to his house and barges in on him sleeping. She creepily watches him (a trick she learned from Edward) and then runs off to slap some natives in the face. Then the native she slapped turns into a wolf. Then it chases her. Then Jacob, who apparently sleeping in running shoes, does that whole run-jump-wolf thang we’ve all seen in the trailer.
Oh, did I mention that Jacob is a red when he’s a wolf? Because apparently just BEING a wolf wasn’t a big enough ‘special trait’ for Stephanie Meyer. All the other hunky native boys are just boring old GREY mother-fucking wolves.
Then the native boys waste what could have been a REALLY sexy scene by fighting in animal form. Someone makes a ‘wolf’s outta the bag!’ joke, and suddenly that whole tribal-secret-don’t-tell-white-people-cult-like-oath stuff is forgotten.
I enjoyed this exchange:
Emily(?):“So, you’re the Vampire Girl.”
Bella: “So, you’re the Wolf Girl.”
A lovely moment when the white and native communities can come together and both define women by the men they date. Or their fetishes, be they necrophilia or bestiality, respectively.
I’d also like to point out that both the Wolf Girl and the Vampire Girl bare scars that their men gave them (Bella’s is a tape-worm looking scar on her wrist, Wolf girl has scratches all down her face). Just saying.
Not making a feminist comment about it, just SAYING.
Then in an awkward exchange between the natives and Bella about vampires and wolves in which ‘pale face!’ is almost spouted, Bella calls them monsters. After they just offered her muffins. What a BITCH.
Jacob comes back, and this time he’s wearing a shirt. I don’t know what the symbolism is in that yet. They go for a long walk, in which Bella scoulds his anti-vampire pro-wolf life, and he exclaims, “It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella! I was just born this way, I can’t help it!” What the fuck are we talking about here, Jake?
This movie is fucking TWO HOURS LONG.
Bla bla bla some shit happens and she jumps off a cliff. Graham Greene died. Some wolves chased curly haired vampire chick.
BAHAHAHA:
Alice: I saw you jump off a cliff! Why would you try to kill yourself!?
Bella: I…I didn’t try to kill myself!...I was…Cliff diving! It was fun.
Later, Alice says, “I have never met anyone more prone to life-threatening idiocy!” preach it, dead lady. She then goes on to call the native boys, ‘a pack of mutts!’ and refuses to return with Jacob in the room, calling him a dog. Werewolf puns aside, that shit is RACIST.
Then Jacob pulls a quick one and makes Edward think Bella’s dead when she’s not. He breaks a phone and runs off to kill himself. OMFG THEY’RE READING ROMEO AND JULIET IN CLASSSSSSS ITS LYKE SOOOO THE SAAAMMMEEEEEEEE HOLLLEEEEE!!! less than slash threeee!!!"
I love Bella’s total lack of respect for anyone but Edward. In her haste to enter a 'car, plane, super-cool-car' montage, she leaves Jacob, who desperately tried to stop her, saying, “What about your dad?” but she’s a smart cookie. “I left a note.”
A note, I imagine, that looked like this:
Dear Charlie,
I went to the store
to get cigarettes.
-Bella.
The rest of this is too gross to describe. Jesus CHRIST. When’s Dakota Fanning in this? Uhg, god. Bella just said she’s ‘Nothing, I’m uh, nothing…I’m human, nothing…” and he said ‘You’re everything to me.” *eyeroll* I think they're explaining why he left. I ACTUALLY can't listen.
Like, this is actually unbareable.
DAKOTA FANNING! Okay, it should get good now, right? There’s 15 minutes left. Dakota, rock it!
...
...
This was an Awkward Elevator Scene. No lie.
I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. Mega Video fucked up again with ten minutes left, and i cant go and try to find it somewhere else, I CANT. The last 20 or so minutes were infuriating, maybe I'll do them another time. MAYBE.
Oh man! This right here is why I love you!
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