New Years Resolutions:

-Start setting my alarm at non-rounded times. Example: 8:52am.

-Stop telling myself I’m going to drink more water.

-Stop making lists.

-Stop spilling hot tea all over myself all the time.Stop

-Stop pretending to enjoy ‘the little things’.

-Start taking better care of my feet.

-Start looking homeless people in the eyes when telling them I have no change.

-Stop stalking people I hate on facebook (notice ‘remove said people from facebook’ is not here. We all relapse.)

-Build up immunity to lactose.

-Be perceived as ‘Mysterious.’

-Accept that I probably will never be considered ‘Mysterious.’

-Settle for ‘Probably a virgin.’

-Succeed at things to be later appointed meaningful to my life.

-Stay classy.

-Watch more The Simpsons

-Wake up by at least 4pm everyday all the time and forver. No more 7pm wake-ups.

-Stop judging close friends for not watching Louie.

-Disallow dust to build up on my book shelf.

-Use weird words like disallow.

-Stop wearing sweat pants more than six days a week.

-Accept that I don’t like coffee and that I put too much sugar in my tea.

-Stop mentally telling myself, “I just like sweet tea” when adding 3-4 spoonfuls of sugar.

-Stop envisioning spiders in the crevasses of wraps, sandwiches, and falafels.

-Stop getting waaaaay too excited about seeing Degrassi kids on the street in Toronto.

-Stop referring to the 25+ year old cast members of Degrassi as ‘Degrassi kids’ when I run into them on the street.

-Stop having dreams about terrorist attacks in Toronto, followed by the phrase, “She needs us now more than ever” where ‘she’ refers to The City of Toronto.

-Stop, when envisioning the future, devoting a great amount of time to how my plans would change if I became suddenly and unexpectedly pregnant.

-Stop genuinely hating people who try to incorporate undeserved British phrases into their Brampton vocabulary.

-Stop enjoying daydreams in which I run into everyone I hated in high school at a fancy dinner gala with George Stroumboulopoulos as my date. **UPDATED** Or Bo Burnham.

-Acknowledge that the hours of 1am-4am are not ‘eat what you want’ free for alls.

-Stop cringing at young girls when they tell me they plan to get ‘Live, laugh, love’ tattooed on their arm/wrist/ankle.

-Finish my story about the Spider revolution.

Realistic Heckling Come Backs

Today in stand up class, my teacher gave us a list of classic heckler’s lines and asked us to come up with some witty, original come backs.

I could only come up with a list of things I would actually say if I was heckled.

Heckler: “Don’t quit your day job!”

Come back: I didn’t. I’m a really good waitress and you are mean.

Heckler: “LAAAAAAME!”

Come back: YOU’RE lame. And mean.

Heckler: “My grandmother has better jokes than you!”

Come back: That’s very nice, but…you are very mean.

Heckler: “You STINK.”

Come Backs: “Sh..shut up…” or “…Sorry.”

Heckler: “Get off the stage!”

Come back: I can’t, I’m busy doing comedy, you meanie!

I think I got the right stuff.

Maybe I am Kinda a Jerk

**Note** I found this in my drafts folder...it seems I forgot to post this a year ago. So, here: Something I wrote before the crippling patheticness of my existence had taken hold of my creative spirit. I give you words, from Optimistic Waitress Kate:

I really wanted a coin changer thinger (like conductors and hot dog vendors in theory wear on thier belts to make change), because I felt like having a fun new toy that gives out change would make my waitressing job more fun. I set out across the vast Internets to find said product, and could not. I, of course, narrated these misadventures to one mister Dye_go Rupolo, who encouraged me in the following exploit.

After a frustrated night of nothing shipping to Canada, I finally found myself with some hope at the product's company's website. This lead to more disappointment. The following letter was sent to their automated complaint centre.

I'm a Canadian, who has been looking for this product for a very, very long time. I can't seem to find anywhere that even SHIPS to Canada, let alone somewhere (other than your website) which were it doesn't already cost an arm and a leg.

I was VERY excited when I came to your website, and saw
"State/Province/Region" and even "Zip/Postal Code" when I scrolled down. When 'Ontario' was not listed, I got nervous. Then I saw 'Country' and thought--no, hoped--that if I merely changed the drop down menu you provided from 'United States of America' to 'Canada', my Province would be listed.

It was not. In fact, NO OTHER COUNTRY was listed.

Your website is very misleading and I want a free coin changer.


Sincerely, Kate Barberio

We thought this was pretty funny. I would be continuing to live my life like a sitcom, doing things for the comedy, and if it ended up on the right persons desk, a free coin changer might indeed be sent to Canada.

Then I got a reply.

Hello,

Thank you for your recent inquiry. We apologize if the website
was misleading to you. We are Shopatron and we process internet orders for many
manufacturers. With this said, some accept Canadian orders and some do not so
the general option is listed. However, if a manufacturer does not accept
Canadian orders, like the one you visited, the Country option is removed.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused and we are also
unable to send you the free item you requested,

Please let us know if we
can be of further assistance.

Thank you,

Danielle Aguirre

She's a real person who had to actually type out a response to my letter and send it. She had to acknowledge my crazy, arbitrary words and rationalize to me why they couldn't send me a free coin changer and even apologized for the drop down menu I had previously spent like 20 minutes hating on.

Clearly, my life long goal to live my life for the comedy of it actually means I'm sorta a huge douche bag.

So, this is a public apology to Danielle Aguirre. I didn't mean to be a jerk. I forgot, briefly, that other people exist.

Ouch

I'm doing my first ever stand-up performance tomorrow.

Here's a list of things that could go wrong:

· I could say things and no one will laugh.

· In the gaping silence that follows my eager delivery, I could find myself staring into the face of the one true Death.

· I could say things, no one will laugh, and then I'll be obviously unsettled and start mispronouncing things.

· I could accidentally say something racist.

· I could walk out on to stage and go to adjust the mic stand, but somehow break it, causing the mic to drop to the floor and when I lean down to pick it up I stab my eye out on the mic stand and just start screaming and screaming and then the sound system gets that feedback sound and I try to crawl off stage but then my stand-up teacher Larry Horowitz wont let me leave, and he keeps insisting I have to work through it, so I do my two minutes bleeding and crying and it's horrible.

· I somehow pee my pants on stage.

· I get off, and the person after me says, "Man, Tina Fey has really let herself go. And also wasn't funny."

· I could trip on my way on to the stage, and then try to make fun of the fact that I just tripped, and accidentally say something racist.

· All the mean people from my high school could show up.

· All my friends could show up to 'support me' even though I pleaded with them not to.

· My nose could start bleeding in the middle of my time.

· I could get locked in the bathroom before show time and forever be remembered as the girl who was probably just pretending to be locked in the bathroom.

· It goes great and I really like it and end up doing it AGAIN.

Conversation Conversation

This is an inside joke that I'm posting because I only know how to be funny with inside jokes. Basically, something about these two crows sitting in a cornfield struck my fancy, so I took a picture of it. Almost immediately after posting it, my friend Alex and I began guessing what the crows could possibly be talking about. This is not a caption contest, it is a conversation contest. And it's not a contest, it's a conversation. So, I present to you: A Conversation Conversation.



Alex
"Sure hasn't changed up here, eh?"
"S'way I like it."
*silence*
"Saw Martha the other day. Still lookin' good. Still trim as a blade of grass."
"Yup."
..."There's that godforsaken horse again."
"Wild, you think?"
*silence*
"Naw. It ain't wild."

Kate
‎"Hey, Joe. How you feeling today?"
"Like a soldier of God."
"Christ, Joe, not this again."

Alex
‎"Whatcha thinking bout, Harold?"
"Titties."

Alex
"Imagine if aliens just dropped out of the sky and landed in this field."
"Dunno what they'd want with two old geezers like us."
"You think we could fly away in time before they spotted us?"
"I dunno, Stacey. That's a real hard question."
*silence*
"I wouldn't mind being abducted by aliens."
"What makes you say that?"
"Oh, y'know. It'd be a good story to tell the grand kids."

Kate
“Magnus, you old cunt! How’s the ol’ ball and chain treating you?”
“Christina’s been dead for six years, Phil.”
“…Well, shit in my hat and call me an asshole for making conversation.”


Kate
"There's Old Mr. Chesterfeild plowing the field again."
"Yip."
"He's mighty old n'aa."
"Yip."
"That boy 'a his better pull his dick outta his ass and start helpin' his daddy."
..."Yip."
"Hear that boy's got himself a pretty little thing down on Stiller Side Road. To bad the boy's more queer than a three dollar bill."
"Yip."
*silence*
"I think we know to much about the Chesterfeilds."

Kate
“Hey, man. I heard about your cancer.”
*silence*
“Subtle, Quentin.”


Kate
“Hey Taylor, why aren’t there ever any chicks round here?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, there’s never any chicks around.”
“What, you mean like, baby chickens?”
“No, man! Like hot bird pussy! You know what I’m sayin! I want some LADIES, bro! I w...anna get down n dirty wit dem hoezzz. We should find some twins, man. We should totally find some twins, and share them. Like not together, cuz that’s gay. But we should scope this shithole, find the hottest effing bitches around, and just fuck em. Just fuck em and then fly away. No phone numbas, ma fetha. Feel me?”
“…I’m a woman, Ted.”


Kate
‎"Do you use Skype?"
"No."
"You should."
*silence*


Kate
‎*silence*
"Fuck, I want an Iced Cap."

Best Friends

This is what it's like to be best friends with Alex Platt.

Zombie Confessions: A Follow Up

So, I figured I needed to explain a few things about my last post that people seemed to not understand. Fact: Zombies are terrifying. Fact: They will bring a swift and devastating end to life as we know it. Fact: Spine-bifida girl is more scary than the Nazi zombies picture in the previous entry.

The following is my 3am rendering of what has come to be my understanding of the events that would take place if and when a zombie outbreak where to occur, brought to you by: Scissors, glue, my parent's scanner and a void in my social calendar that allows me to partake in such things (and write such long sentences).

One more less impossible to read demonstration of a zombie Apocalypse based exclusively for people in the GTA:

Lastly, girl who is deemed 'Spina-Bifida' is actually 'Zelda' from Stephen King's Pet Semetary. I read the book way too young, and still cannot bring myself to watch the following clip.



I had to watch that on mute and only got through the first half or so, so if it's dubbed in Mexican and the last 30 seconds are intense cat petting I wouldn't know and I apologize.




Fun Notes: If you ARE reading this blog, please either comment OR select one of the three options below. It starves off the suicidal thinking.

Confessions About Zombies

I am literally terrified of zombies.

I have had, to date, three nightmares about zombies in my post-high school life. That means that on three separate occasions, I woke up in a cold sweat, called out to my dog in a meek and frazzled voice, half expecting (at least on some level) to hear a half-dead groan float back at me from somewhere in the closet area of my bedroom (I’ve often experienced my ‘closet area’—named that because I don’t have a closet but a poll my dad installed for me to hang things on—to be the most paranormal part of my room. That and under my desk, behind my bookshelf, and of course, the winner: the small fucked up door leading to the crawl space beside the stairs in which a sad girl with spine-bifida and taunt green skin lives. I don’t like her.). Once I happened to wake up right when a car was driving by my house at an angle that filled my room with headlights, and I thought “OH FUCK THEY HAVE TOURCHES” then I thought “How do zombies know how to make torches?” then I thought “Oh, then it mustn’t be zombies,” then I thought, “…it’s most LIKELY not zombies.”

Sadly, I am not one of those people who have seen every classic (meaning ‘bad’ in the horror genre) zombie movie and who can argue to you what kills a zombie, what a zombie is and how it runs. I know there’s been a revival of zombie-ness in recent media, and I know this because I’ve seen the wicked awesome sweet ass movie 28 Days Later and also because my cousin has a shirt that says ‘Ask Me About My Zombie Survival Plan.’

I know where I would hide if a zombie outbreak happened. In the dead of night, I have promised myself that when I wake up I will throw some canned food and some flash lights in the crawl space (I always wimp out because during the day time Spine-bifida outranks zombie delusions on the fear scale) and make note of the best place to bury my head and ignore the screams and brain-hungry shrieks of my now sorta-kinda-dead neighbors. I’ve been trying to train my dog to feel terror, so he’ll know not to bark at the zombies thusly alerting them to our hiding place. So far I’ve found he just startles easy and occasionally defecates where his pants would be if he wore pants but he doesn’t cuz he’s a dog. It’s a process.

The real reason I’m scared of zombies: I really think it could happen. Maybe not brain-hungry “undead” people running around in ripped jeans, but some sort of mass hysteria that causes the collapse of society/the ripping of good jeans (I don’t know why I think zombies wear ripped jeans. But I’m pretty sure they do. Also: suit jackets.). Maybe an airborne virus (or fuck, even a zombie-bite virus) that causes people to be sick, and therefore to panic. I can see people being violent for the sake of being violent, and more so I can see that violence being met with more violence. Maybe this is because I’ve seen all these movies that popularize images of crowds of people losing it, or maybe it’s because the footage of the G20 riots in Toronto just shook me on some level, but something tells me we’re all gonna die and before that, everybody’s gonna go batshit crazy and some brains may be consumed.

This guy knows what I'm sayin' about ripped jeans and suit jackets.

Seriously, 9/10 zombies you see on TV are wearing ripped jeans and/or suit
jackets. CHECK IT.

Before I end this, I’d like to state that this zombie paranoia had subdued itself until my friend Scott scolded me for making an AIDS joke. He made a whole big deal about how “the epidemic isn’t over.” That night I had a SEQUEL zombie dream in which I had to convince my family that, you guessed it; the epidemic of zombies from my last dream wasn’t over. (They were eaten.) I know my fear of zombies has to do with all the things I know as a drop-out English Major zombie’s represent, but ‘zombies fucking SCARE ME’ is so much more direct and a much better mental image than “I’m really afraid some virus will come and kill people and no one will be able to stop it. And then society will collapse, and resources will become scarce and everyone will start killing everyone else to take these resources. And then things will be in chaos, and people will just kill other people because they CAN and WANT to. It would be like AIDS and the Holocaust but bigger and less organized.”

I said LESS organized.

Anyway, that’s why I’m scared of zombies.

Possibilities I have not ruled out include: My dog may already be a zombie

Are YOU scared of zombies?

Lilslutxxx Encounters Dramatic Irony

Lilslutxxx's Adventures on PlentyofFish, An Introduction and Justification(ish)

Lilslutxxx's Adventures on PlentyofFish Round One

Lilslutxxx Gets a Guy to Rap on Plenty of Fish

Lilslutxxx is Unable to Scare Away Dinodave (The Bird One)

Dedicated to Dye-go of Dye-go Reports

Jfunds: hey there cutie im jordan
Jfunds: hey sweetie
Jfunds: im Jordan whats going on ???
Jfunds: looking hot sweetiee
lilslutxxx: thats an awful lot of hellos
Jfunds: haha
Jfunds: sorry
Jfunds: i didnt know if u got the message
Jfunds: whats ur name sexy?
lilslutxxx: Rebacala
lilslutxxx: its Romananian :P
Jfunds: sexy name
Jfunds: beautiful country too
lilslutxxx: wats ur name again?
Jfunds: Jordan
lilslutxxx: nice 2 meet u
Jfunds: you too sweetie
Jfunds: so hows ur night going
lilslutxxx: pretty good...just hangin out
lilslutxxx: couldnt get into this club cuz im underage :(
Jfunds: awww
Jfunds: how old r u beeb
lilslutxxx: 16
lilslutxxx: and a half
Jfunds: oh wow
Jfunds: do u like older guys?
lilslutxxx: o yaa
Jfunds: :P
lilslutxxx: so wat did u do 2nite?
Jfunds: went to london pub hanged out with some ppl then came home
Jfunds: kinda lame
lilslutxxx: o ic
Jfunds: im kinda tipsy
lilslutxxx: meee too
lilslutxxx: we had to come home earllly but
lilslutxxx: we stole some vodka frum my dads liquor cabinet and watched To Catch A Predator all night XD :P
Jfunds: wicked
Jfunds: who u with
lilslutxxx: my girlfrineds
Jfunds: sounds fun
lilslutxxx: it waz but it was also kindaa boring
Jfunds: i had that same feeling tonight
lilslutxxx: its hard to think of drinking games for To Catch a Predator
Jfunds: haha
lilslutxxx: so we just took a shot every time he read from the chat log :P
lilslutxxx: so do u like younger girls?
Jfunds: ya
lilslutxxx: LOL i was giving an example of when to drink
lilslutxxx: :P
Jfunds: ok
lilslutxxx: so wat do u like to do?
Jfunds: go for movies bars sometimes clubs
lilslutxxx: do u think u cud get me into a club??
Jfunds: someitmes just chill at ahome and drink
Jfunds: maybe
lilslutxxx: o cool wat shows do u watch when u drink?
Jfunds: lol
Jfunds: entourge
Jfunds: soparanos
Jfunds: and what ever my guest wants
lilslutxxx: can i come over and watch to catch a predator??
lilslutxxx: i <3>Jfunds: for sure beeb
Jfunds: bring some drinks
Jfunds: will have a good time
Jfunds: i havent seen that show
lilslutxxx: u probably should
Jfunds: when u coming over
lilslutxxx: idk im not alloud out after 11
Jfunds: thats cool
lilslutxxx: oh shit, i g2g my dad just woke up
Jfunds: whast ur cell
lilslutxxx: its broken
Jfunds: msn
Jfunds: ?
lilslutxxx: angle_babygurl_playahata_69@hotmail.com
Jfunds: ok will talk more soon baby sweet dreams
lilslutxxx: byye
lilslutxxx: u shud go watch 2CaP tho, really.
Jfunds: ok bebe ill chekc it out
Jfunds: for u
lilslutxxx: for me???
Jfunds: of course cutiee
lilslutxxx: shit my dads cumming bye


Dedicated to Dye-go of Dye-go Reports

Christians Are Big Jerks

This is the THIRD TIME a Christian table has opted to pray for me rather than tip. If it didn't work the first two times, why in God's holy name do they think a magic letter will help me?

This was literally accompanied with a 79 cent tip (on a credit card receipt) and a small pile of torn up coasters. Also, a series of failed Soul Saving napkins on which they had practised drawing that vagina flower.

They're not the first Christians to tell me God has placed a favour on me, and that I need to believe in him in order to achieve. Which is funny, because I'm pretty sure I'm a bad person and that no Deity approves of any of my actions ever. I'm tired of all this bribery, I want an HONEST creepy christian letter: "Yo, Waitress, you're really bitter and you didn't bring me my food fast enough. You're probably going to hell."

P.S. Oh no they DIDN'T just call me Katie.

P.P.S. They could have proven to me THERE AND THEN that I would succeed in my profession by tipping anywhere near 15 percent.

P.P.P.S. "Blessings" is wishing Gods love on someone, so "God loves you!!" is irrelevant. Especially when the line before that once AGAIN promises that I've already won over this Righteous Dude. WTFuck do people study when they study the bible?

lilslutxxx is unable to scare dinodave200 away

More Adventures with lilslutxxx on Plenty of Fish here, here, and here.

dynodave200: hey gorgeous u there
dynodave200: *** You've been SMACKED! ***
dynodave200: there you are
dynodave200: how you doin hun
lilslutxxx: im goodd
lilslutxxx: lets c lets c...
lilslutxxx: i recognize ur name...
dynodave200: ok you look so fine i definitely would like to see you on cam
lilslutxxx: i dun have a cam
dynodave200: you recognize my name cause you said blow jobs are an art to you
dynodave200: wat did u mean by lets c lets c?
lilslutxxx: o yess o yess
lilslutxxx: cuz i cudnt rmemer what i said to u
lilslutxxx: lololol im drunk rite nw
dynodave200: o ya lol your really sexy, where abouts in mississauga are you?
dynodave200: ?
lilslutxxx: cant say cant say
dynodave200: fair enough, you really enjoy giving blow jobs eh ;)
dynodave200: you into older men? like 24 :)
lilslutxxx: i only like soldjas
dynodave200: well i can be your soldja ;)
dynodave200: do you have msn?
lilslutxxx: noo :(
dynodave200: so what exactly you looking for on this site?
lilslutxxx: funn wat r u lookin 4
dynodave200: im looking for fun too, with a sexy girl like yourself
lilslutxxx: u thin im secee?
dynodave200: ya im fit 5'10 180 and im sure you need a real man, im guessing you like it real big in the right spot eh hehe ;)
dynodave200: whats secee?
lilslutxxx: its sexy spelly more sexy
dynodave200: ya you do look real sexy and your sexy man could be right here and im sure you wouldnt be disapointed
lilslutxxx: i dunno how sexy are you?
lilslutxxx: tell me
dynodave200: well im very fit have a six pack nice strong legs and arms work out occassionally and 8.5 inches very thick for a sexy girl like yourself and i knw how to use it ;) tell me how sexy you are
lilslutxxx: well im naked rit now soo
dynodave200: o ya now that is something i would like to see
dynodave200: what are you doing to yourself all naked in your bed? ;)
lilslutxxx: tell me wat u likk boii...are u freaky?
dynodave200: u wouldnt be calling me boi after a nite of us being together, i like a lot of things, i like when a cutie like you gets on her knees tries her best to deep throat my big dick but jus isnt able to do
dynodave200: it and she is druling all over my cock and balls, you like doing that
lilslutxxx: i noe boii i noe ;)
lilslutxxx: but what do u like by yourself...
dynodave200: i like stroking my big dick wishing i could see you naked or even having the chance to call you and having some freaky phone sex to spice up our nite ;) what about you?
lilslutxxx: i like think about big men lyk u thinkin abot gurlz lik me...
dynodave200: id make you one happpy girl, i bet you wish you saw me strokin my hard cock rite now, have you ever had phone sex before?
lilslutxxx: no i think thas expensive tho
dynodave200: not if you and i did it, you could give me a call and would be free for both of us ;) i wouldnt call one of those stupid chat lines lol and pay but if i had the chance to do it with you for free rite
dynodave200: now id love too
lilslutxxx: my phone is brrrked :(
dynodave200: well that sux, im an assman you have nice sweet ass on you?
lilslutxxx: whats an assman?
dynodave200: a girl with a nice booty
lilslutxxx: then im an assman
lilslutxxx: ;)
dynodave200: o ya you like taking it in the ass?
lilslutxxx: taking what?
dynodave200: a big dick
dynodave200: ;)
lilslutxxx: :O
dynodave200: never done it?
dynodave200: whats the wildest experience you have had?
lilslutxxx: um dis one time a bird flew in while i was doin it
lilslutxxx: n me n my girl trish started screamin
lilslutxxx: cuz we were lyk WATZ DIS BIRD DOING
lilslutxxx: n ma boii got scared too n he booked it
lilslutxxx: n we were like HELP CATCH DIS BIRD
lilslutxxx: and it made a mess.
dynodave200: o ya lol your into having 3sums eh?
lilslutxxx: ya ya but not wit birds around
lilslutxxx: like that was sum scaary shit
dynodave200: lol have you ever had 2 guys at the same time?
lilslutxxx: ya ya u lik dat?
dynodave200: ya its so hot when a girl likes to get gang banged
lilslutxxx: have u been in a 3waii?
dynodave200: absolutely a few actually
lilslutxxx: waz it with 1 guy or 2?
dynodave200: ive had 2 girls to myself and me and my buddy tag teamed this girl before too
lilslutxxx: i like a man who lyks sum dick styll
dynodave200: what i aint into dick but dont mind sharing a girl with another man
lilslutxxx: u wud shar eme??
dynodave200: ya if thats what you want of course, would you like that?
lilslutxxx: i dunno
lilslutxxx: no birds tho right???
lilslutxxx: the window wud HAVE to be shut
lilslutxxx: i ain even illin
dynodave200: lol no birds haha wouldnt you like 2 big cocks in front of you to suck on at same time?
lilslutxxx: i wud hav 2 kno no birds werr arund
lilslutxxx: are there n e nests near ur palce?
dynodave200: wtf no lol you wouldnt have to worry about a fuckin bird lol do you have a nice tight pussy?
lilslutxxx: u noe it
lilslutxxx: some people have pet birds...do u have a pet bird??
dynodave200: no
dynodave200: lol
lilslutxxx: good.
dynodave200: jus a big cock over here that i wouldnt mind you having ;)
lilslutxxx: how big you say?
dynodave200: 8.5 very thick
lilslutxxx: how thick??
lilslutxxx: sumtims too thick is too thick
dynodave200: well lets jus say ive heard that i have a perfect dick and i should be in porn lol im sure you would like it ;)
lilslutxxx: wat shape is it?
lilslutxxx: ma girl trisha's bf has a bent dick
lilslutxxx: it kinda looks like a bird
lilslutxxx: n i dont like it
dynodave200: lol know when im hard it aint no bent dick when its rockhard its solid and straight with a nice big mushroom tip on it
dynodave200: dont have to worry about a bent dick here
dynodave200: lol
lilslutxxx: okay okay
dynodave200: mayb sometime you and i can get together
dynodave200: ;)
lilslutxxx: where you at?
dynodave200: brampton yes i do drive
dynodave200: place to myself too so we can have a lot of fun hun
lilslutxxx: i been to brampton b4
lilslutxxx: lot of birds
dynodave200: ya well thereaint no birds in this house, relax with the birds lol so you enjoy sucking cock, do you like taking big loads on your face and in your mouth babe?
lilslutxxx: not really but it's just a part of life i guess
dynodave200: very true, my cock is rockhard rite now
lilslutxxx: o really?
dynodave200: ya and im looking at your picture stroking it ;)
lilslutxxx: so do you wanna have kids?
dynodave200: someday with a cutie like yourself, why do you?
dynodave200: not rite now xactly tho
lilslutxxx: do u have n e pets
dynodave200: nope use too but not anymore
lilslutxxx: this is getting biring :(
dynodave200: well what do you wanna talk about? what are you doing to yourself over there?
lilslutxxx: im lookin up stuff about birds
dynodave200: your naked and your not touching yourself
lilslutxxx: no no i got distracted cuz i googled birds in brampton and now im just readin about birds
dynodave200: lol really, so honestly would you be interested in meeting up sometime?
lilslutxxx: i dunno
lilslutxxx: u a soldja
lilslutxxx: ?
dynodave200: o you know it, id be surprised if you could keep up with me, but i can rock your world and i will prove that to you
lilslutxxx: o i c
dynodave200: that definitely would make me one happy guy if you wanted to be my lilslut!! ;)
lilslutxxx: how happy?
lilslutxxx: wud u marry me?
dynodave200: if it was that good it definitely would be a possibility but i need a girl that can keep up with me and treat me real good especially in bed ;)
lilslutxxx: r u sur u arnt jus sayn it?
dynodave200: well id have to hang out with you and get to know you more and if it felt right you never know what could happen, know what i mean
lilslutxxx: i dunno wqat u mean
dynodave200: o nvm so whats your name? im Dave
lilslutxxx: im nirvanala

Lilslutxxx Gets a Guy To Rap on Plenty of Fish

Lilslutxxx's Best Adventure
Lilslutxxx get's Plenty of Fish, an introduction


lyricist-intoxicated: juss here
lyricist-intoxicated: urself?
lilslutxxx: u noe it
lyricist-intoxicated: i think ur sexxc styll
lyricist-intoxicated: u got msn?
lilslutxxx: nno dun got it
lilslutxxx: ur a lyrisist? is that lyk a scientist?
lyricist-intoxicated: na
lyricist-intoxicated: it means ur lyrical
lyricist-intoxicated: i do the music thinng
lilslutxxx: ooo lik wat thig?
lilslutxxx: u sing?
lyricist-intoxicated: na
lyricist-intoxicated: i rapp
lilslutxxx: u play bass guitar?
lilslutxxx: ooo
lilslutxxx: wat u rap about?
lyricist-intoxicated: bout mi life
lilslutxxx: dats so cooool
lyricist-intoxicated: soo u got a man
lilslutxxx: no wai
lyricist-intoxicated: ic
lyricist-intoxicated: i wana c mor pics of u
lilslutxxx: u havta earn it bb
lyricist-intoxicated: must b sum exclusive pics if i gotta earn it;)
lilslutxxx: u noe
lilslutxxx: :)
lyricist-intoxicated: na i dunt
lyricist-intoxicated: show me how
lilslutxxx: show me sum rap lyrics?
lyricist-intoxicated: i freestyle so i woodnt b able to keep up wit mi typing
lyricist-intoxicated: i dunt write i juss say whats on mi mind wen im in front of a mic
lilslutxxx: cud u pllleeeaaaseee drop sum lines furr me
lyricist-intoxicated: well i dunt really kno anything bout u so i wont kno how 2 put nethin in a story
lyricist-intoxicated: i spit bout shyt like revenage nd torcher
lilslutxxx: u lyk torcher??
lyricist-intoxicated: well only if sum1 fuct wit mi family or mi money
lilslutxxx: o ic
lilslutxxx: czn u send me a line that u wrote b4? i wann hear ur rap music...
lyricist-intoxicated: ill juss say w.e den
lilslutxxx: yo i wanna hear it boii
lyricist-intoxicated: hazordiz to your life/ revolver bust once/ tempo ejects twice/ bodys piled up niice/ after bunn session/ scrap breggin/ no testin runn move hide is my suggesten, i still roll wit felons .
lyricist-intoxicated: crack heads like melons holes leak from black weapons
lyricist-intoxicated: therr u happy?
lilslutxxx: dats sick
lilslutxxx: you have made me happier than you could ever know,
lyricist-intoxicated.
lyricist-intoxicated: so what do i get frum all dat
lilslutxxx: i get u a solja
lyricist-intoxicated: i wana c ur pics

Lilslutxxx's Adventures on PlentyofFish

An introduction to Lilslutxxx

geronimo0007: hey whats up... looking good.. i have alot of great activities, if u want to be my partner.. :)
lilslutxxx: lyk wat??
geronimo0007: well for starters... sky jumping.. my favorite thing.. parasailing.. then for sure get to know you much better.. and i mean much better
geronimo0007: then we can go for a long walk
geronimo0007: and you can tell me all your desires
lilslutxxx: where wud we walk?
geronimo0007: well i worked and fixed up city hall, so its real nice there, or we could go to the beaches
geronimo0007: were would u wanna walk miss shy thing
geronimo0007: whats yur name.. mine is kevin
lilslutxxx: i dunno i like sidewalks
lilslutxxx: my name denonia
geronimo0007: sidewalks or just as good.. :).. nice to meet ya denonia
geronimo0007: thats a unique name...
geronimo0007: whats yur nationality
lilslutxxx: really??
lilslutxxx: im frum romania
geronimo0007: oh ok... nice.. your super cute tho..
lilslutxxx: tho?
lilslutxxx: all romanians are gorgeous
geronimo0007: actually u r right..most of you are real hot
geronimo0007: what you doin tonite...
geronimo0007: or what have u done?
lilslutxxx: went to the club...got really drunk lol stll am
geronimo0007: i was at a wedding and im pretty drunk too..lol..
geronimo0007: did u have fun..
lilslutxxx: noooo came hme alne
geronimo0007: aww that sucks... i guess they missed out... did u want some company
geronimo0007: :P
lilslutxxx: lol ur funneh
geronimo0007: ya im a comedian.. i didnt tell ya
geronimo0007: lol..
geronimo0007: wat club u go to..
geronimo0007: and im not a comedian... :)
lilslutxxx: girlzongirlz
lilslutxxx: UR NOT??
geronimo0007: no it was a joke...lol...
lilslutxxx: im cunfused
geronimo0007: never been there... but i like the name..
geronimo0007: hehehe
lilslutxxx: yea itz fun
geronimo0007: im not a comedian, sorry for the confusion were both drunk
geronimo0007: i bet it is...
lilslutxxx: so wut u into
geronimo0007: wat u mean by that...... im into hot women like you..
lilslutxxx: doin wat?
geronimo0007: wat r u into
geronimo0007: what?
lilslutxxx: girls like me doing wat?
geronimo0007: no no.. im just into hot girls.. for example YOU
geronimo0007: :P
lilslutxxx: im cunfused again
geronimo0007: lol.. yur funny...lol
geronimo0007: tell me wat yur into..??
geronimo0007: wats yur fav drink
lilslutxxx: ma fav drink is the slutty cheerleader
lilslutxxx: or a pink taco
geronimo0007: i luv pink tacos.. good stuff...
geronimo0007: so wats wit the name.. r u a freaky girl
lilslutxxx: der for girlsz, tho...
lilslutxxx: freaky how?
geronimo0007: freaky in bed, or just freaky in general... i mean yur name..lilslut
geronimo0007: i know the drinks r for girls... but i like real pink tacos..lol..
lilslutxxx: its a real drink
geronimo0007: i know.. its all good... wats in a slutty cheerleader...???
lilslutxxx: um i thik gin...n vodka, n its like purple n pink and i think it has jager
lilslutxxx: oohand sour puss
geronimo0007: ic ic... coo...
lilslutxxx: it cums in a jug
geronimo0007: mmm... sounds good but id rather make u cum... hehehe
geronimo0007: This user invited you into an anonymous phone call by clicking the phone button below. The join him in a private anonymous phone call phone: US (218) 486-4514 x 683493
geronimo0007: :P
geronimo0007: sorry bout that..lol.. i wasnt tryin to call ya
lilslutxxx: lol okay cuz my phone broke :(
geronimo0007: ohh man that sux... how...
lilslutxxx: i dropped it in a jug of slutty cheerleader :(
geronimo0007: and u went to the wrong place tonite or you wouldnt have cum home alone
geronimo0007: lol.. haha funny shit
lilslutxxx: i came home alonne cuz da boiis at the cl;ub wenr soldjas
geronimo0007: i know i should have cun seen me..:) i would have been a solja all nite and morning
lilslutxxx: tell me how u a soldja
geronimo0007: so why do u like blowjobs?? i hope yur good if u put it down..
lilslutxxx: im da best
lilslutxxx: now twll me how u a solja
geronimo0007: i would have brought u to a nice hotel.. drink some more.. i would have made u cum before my dick even entered you... i would have made you twitch and shake...
geronimo0007: i would also do anythin thaat maskes you happy or horny..
geronimo0007: id be there by your side all nite
geronimo0007: and wen u couldnt stadn anymore, wed lie there smokin a butt, maybe ajoint too
geronimo0007: is that solja enough foryou hun
lilslutxxx: I could do with like, 30-40% more soldja
geronimo0007: well i cant write on this thing all nite.. i want to show you.. but im down for anythin, anytime..
geronimo0007: tell me what the 30-40 percent is...
geronimo0007: and just cuz u say ur good dick sucker dont make it so
geronimo0007: so tell me what ya like?
lilslutxxx: i like it when men DONT doubt my blowjob abilities
geronimo0007: lol.. hahah your cute... i guess u told me...
geronimo0007: but u doubted me first hun.. lol..
lilslutxxx: i shud go...
geronimo0007: do u wat u plz..
lilslutxxx: bye den
geronimo0007: hope u find your soldeir, and not home alone... u missed out..
geronimo0007: lolol... bye hun
lilslutxxx: no i didnt ;)

Lilslutxxx's Adventures on PlentyofFish (An Introduction)

I'm a bad person.


Dye-go and I spent countless undocumented hours laughing at the matches he got on plentyoffish. As a huge douchebag enthusiast, PoF was the ultimate payoff--better than facebook and myspace combined when it came down to bare-knuckle douche gazing. So, I did some myspace slutty profile pic shopping (I know, that's immoral. Bite me.) and set up my profile, combining all the douchey techniques i'd picked up from other users.

I just love that she's Lutheran.

Yeah, yeah. I'm sure the girl who took this never intended for me to use the image. I'm a bad person. But i was myspacing slutty names and she was like, the third person to pop up.<>

So far, ONE person has commented on her being a third grade teacher at 18. Though he said she must be 'realy smartt'. Sidenote: "I'm looking a partner to do a whole bunch of activities ;) with" is a popular message.

I will continue to argue that this is totally justified.

The real reason I wanted to post this was because in the conversations, and also when reading the desperate PMs, it's easy to start feeling bad for these guys. Then I remember that when they say she seems 'really cool' and 'down to earth', they mean 'you have blowjobs in your interest' and 'you are 18 and talk about handbags in your profile.' This is lilslutxxx.

This was a passive aggressive jab at jagoffs who answer questions like this when they should have left them blank. ie: "Tell us something about yourself: UM I JUSS TOLD U ALL MY INTERESTS!!!!" or "First Date: I unnoo...letz see wer it goez."

MEMOIRS: Showdown at 6am

I am writing a very serious memoir and am inviting you all to read it. Each chapter will be a frozen moment of momentous occasion monumentally monograpmed into the hearts of my readers, staying forever like a sticky fingerprint left too high up to reach or stretch marks on a lonely woman's thigh. Prepare yourself to be moved like you dun even noe. ferr srs.

Chapter One: Showdown at 6am

May. 22nd, 2009 10:22 am
mood: melancholy
music: My own tears and raging emotions


This morning, after having stayed up all night not writing an essay, I first took my dog for a walk, then returned to the park to have some alone time.

I was not alone.

I knew there was a presence. I could feel it. I told myself some neighbour there had gotten up early for work, and seeing the girl who normally frequented the park at a much later hour, they stared. Most of the people who lived near the park were old and Italian. This situation was likely.

I sat on the swing and separated myself from my environment, as I always do, listening to the poetic words of Mel Brooks, The Lonely Island or possibly Sarah Silverman. I was in the zone, ain't nobody would have messed with me. I watched, almost forgetting I was more than an audience to the Mormon kids across the street, who shuffled single file out of their house around 6:15 to learn about candles and beeswax and lynching. I watched little old ladies walk by and grab their purses uneasily when they saw the raw look of youth in my face. I saw a tired, sad man and his ironically hyperactive dog being dragged by. I saw movements in the grass that i assumed to be rabbits. I spent so long seeing because, I knew the moment I stopped, I would start feeling something looking back at me.

The sun had risen. By all accounts it could have been anytime in the morning; the eery crispness that somehow lingered in morning had passed. I felt I could go home. I felt I would be safe.

I was wrong.

Dead wrong.

Like, sooooo wrong.

Seriously. I was wrong.

There was a feline. It's colouring--I don't remember. It had entranced me with it's eyes. It's eyes. It stood in the centre of a driveway--one I knew it didn't belong in. It stood there, it's eyes unblinking, it's head following me in one swift motion as I passed--completely level. In this moment I knew only one thing: God was dead. In his place, this creature, this cat stood in judgement. It knew all of me. It wanted more from me. It showed no expression--it shared no wisdom while it took all I knew in those few seconds. It encompassed me entirely, seeing everything: My first boat ride. What each Alanis Morissette song ment to me. What I had for breakfast. How I would die. My middle name. My favorite Spice Girl. This creature took me all in, just because it could.

It was like, whaaaaaaaaaaaat.

Shellshock. I kept walking. I could feel it leave me the moment I passed the driveway. My four seconds of self divulging had left me empty, hollow. I was a newspaper without a comics section. I needed filling. But I was scared. I got three houses away from this cat, three houses away before my legs would stop. I turned slowly, to find the cat was still staring at me. I didn't allow it into my mind, I looked away. I knew it could make me give myself again.

I thought I wanted answers. I wanted salvation. I looked into its eyes again. It stared back. I went to it, hoping for...I don't know. What does one seek from its creator? What does one ask of its destructor? I wanted to cry to the cat. I wanted to get high and listen to Queen with this cat. I wanted...love.

To know I wasn't alone.

By the time I was two houses away, I could feel a connection growing. There was a static between us, something different than the first time. This was unapologetic. This was frightening even to the cat.

I was one house away when it happen. The fucker ran off. He came into my life, stole my secrets, and then took off like some sheep being chased by a jaded apostle. Into the bushes and out of my life.

So I went home.

Two Notebooks

People often ask me why I carry two notebooks.

I just wrote, "If I evolve, will i still be funny?" in one, then wrote "google seven year old schizo girl from Oprah" in the other.

Are you familiar with Chatroulette?

Are you familiar with Chatroulette?

You know it's like 60% penises, right? Like, 6 out of the 10 people you meet are penises. You meet a lot of different types of penises, but at the end of the day its just a bunch of dicks.

A facebook friend of mine (I’m not quite sure how this girl came to be my fbuddy, but she certainly proved herself useful ) and her friend just uploaded 19 screenshots from a chatroulette conversation with Justin Bieber.

Of course I read the whole thing. And, yes, it was hilarious. Of course.

But the best part?

At one point JBieb admits to having seen “like two dicks” on chatroulette before meeting these girls. And I just pictured him sitting in his hotel room, his previously mentioned manager watching T.V. in the adjoining room, and him, Justin Bieber—tween heart throb—Drake and Usher’s BFF—Battler of the Revolving Door—navigating his way through the penises on Chatroulette.

Perhaps in the hopes of finding two pretty Canadian girls and inviting them to wonderland in a limo "sometime," perhaps just to see what the world (his world, I believe we call it now) had to offer.

And all he found was a bunch of dicks.


It’s okay, J-Door Slayer-Biebster, that’s mostly what I’ve found, too.

Girls Can Be Catty Bitches

I’m a waitress. I work will a lot of girls. A lot of them are very pretty.

This is not about them being catty.

Yesterday I worked in the lounge. I hadn’t expected to be in the lounge, so my hair was in a messy ponytail and I wasn’t wearing much make-up (see: I was not trying). Let’s just say, the other bar girls make me look like a chubby gross pear-face loser-freak when I’m at my best, and I was hardly at my best on this day.

We were fairly busy, both on the patio and in the bar. It furiously hot outside, and I was beginning to feel a bit like a huffing sweaty mess and was slightly annoyed when this table of girls stopped me while I was carrying a tray of glasses back inside to ask for more salsa. “Sure, I’ll let your server know.” I said, hoping they would realize they needed to direct these sorts of things to her. Or maybe I said it all too kindly, as I couldn’t have known that the salsa was just the beginning. They couldn’t remember their server’s name, and described her only as having dark hair. This was infuriating, as everyone at my restaurant as dark hair. We have three blonds. Two are related. I searched for who I thought was their server for some time, only to find out it was the other dark-haired-much-prettier-than-I waitress who had taken this table.

The next time I was on the patio, taking care of my own tables, they stopped me again to ask for a pitcher. I told them, “Sure thing, I’ll let your server know,” and once again had to go searching for this person who was busy taking care of her other tables and was probably heading out to check on them shortly anyway.

The last thing they asked me for was their bill. What kind of a fucking idiot asks someone who isn’t their server for the bill? I was clearly busy at the time, dealing with about eight separate bills and whatever else I had going on, and now I’m given the task of running down my co-worker, again, interrupting her from what she’s in the middle of, again, and making all my tables wait, as well as hers?

The thing is, this would all just be a waitress’s pet peeve (I have a ton) if it wasn’t for the bullshit that is too follow.

The head girl is waiting to pay (of course she’s gotten up and is impatiently standing in the way insisting her server stop what she’s doing and take care of her RIGHT NOW) and she stops me as I go by to ask me my name. I tell her, secretly thinking it’s going towards a complaint or something. I figure we’ll get a letter from these bitches saying, “First of all, the hostesses were SO RUDE to us, then my server was NEVER around, then when we finally found a server, she was all snippy about telling our server! We want free Bandera pizza bread.” (People love to add that the hostesses were rude. I don’t know why. Our hostesses are all amazing. Universally, most hostesses are too dumb to be rude.)

She did not, in fact, want Bandera Pizza bread.

She wanted to pull me aside, give me a shiney new toonie (Golly, gee, missus! That’s almost enough to ride one of dem fancy pooblic transportation machines!) and tell me I was ‘practically their server anyway’. Really, bitches? You yelled some commands at me while I cleared a table and I told you real server, who then ordered it, brought it to you, and paid a tip out (that was more than two dollars, I assure you) on it. I tried to insist they give the TWO WHOLE DOLLARS to her, but they kept putting her down and telling me to ‘Shut up! Just take it!’.

The worst part is, I was so angry at the whole thing, I took the stupid toonie, marched over to the rest of the servers, handed it to their waitress and proceeded to angrily tell them what had just happened. I forgot, in my rage, that the girl serving them is too sweet to not take their words somewhat personally. She even tried to give me the toonie. Apparently they gave her a hard time (anyone surprised?) and she apologized to us for ‘slacking off’ for the rest of the night.

I mean when I say this girl is an attentive waitress would not ignore a table or leave them waiting. It was pretty clear to me these girls just decided they didn’t like this pretty, shy girl who wasn’t waiting for them to snap their fingers and order another pitcher. It was also pretty clear they’d assume *I* felt the same way about this girl, and that badmouthing my co-worker to me would not only make me feel good, but that I’d join in too.

Bitches be hatin’.

(Or am I wrong? Are bitches not hatin'? I'm pretty sure they just wanted to hate this girl for no reason. Opinions?)

Oops.

So, I never got that iPhone.

Confessions Part 3; Muggles and iPhones

iPhones are the closest things we muggles will ever get to a wand.

I want an iPhone. I’m not ashamed anymore, I refuse to hide it like the majority of the population. Sure, my friends have told me what a douchebag I’d be if I got one, how they’d refuse to sit next to me in restaurants and on the subway because I would compulsively Slide To Unlock and flick and swish and tap like a queen. I’ve even been dragged to an apple store so I could see first hand the douchey-jagoffs touching their iPads while they lean on the too-low counters and beckon to the employees to bring them more iPods. How I hate them. Yet, how I long to be amoung them.

It’s impossible not to want one. I know I need one, the commercials basically told me so. I cannot NOT have an iPhone. How wonderful it would be to turn off my lights, check into a hotel, or (last item of sentence omitted because I can never remember past the most recent iPhone commercial) from the comfort of wherever I am—be it not my house, not an airport, or (…yeah, I just cant remember past the fact that I can watch Finding Nemo on a tiny little box that turns off my lights.). The saddest part is, I have this terrifying little voice in my head that has suggested that the iPhone commercials might one day stop—perhaps right after I purchase my iPhone—and then I’ll be left with no promise of a better life, no taunting glimps of what heaven (or some lazy person’s paradise) could be. I want an iPhone, but that voice, that taunting, screaming voice reminds me how consumed with fear and confusion in a vastly unfuturistic future I just may wake up in one day.


I told myself: I deserve an iPhone because I’m planning on never buying a wedding dress.

That is the level of deception and acknowledged self disrespect I’m operating on to buy this product.

…I already have a list of apps I’m going to put on my boyfriend.


I mean iPhone.


Help me.

Confessions Part 2

My sexuality is like a gremlin that stands off to the side during dates just starts screaming at the most inappropriate times.

Life Advice

I got into an arguement with my mother 36 minutes before Mother's Day.


And saved 50 bucks.

"She looks EXACTLY like you!" and other horror stories

I had a really bad “That girl looks just like you!” incident at work. A co-worker came bounding toward me, pointing and gasping about some woman whose face was sitcom-idly hidden by people, objects and at one point even a menu, as she made her way to the lounge. Then another co-worker joined in the excitement. “Yeah! She looks SO MUCH like—well, she a bit heavier, but…”

“Yeah, she could be your SISTER!” My slightly heavier sister.

As in all situations when the idea of a doppelganger—heavier or not—is presented to me, I wanted to study her. I did a loop of the lounge, but couldn’t find her. I even sent Co-worker number 1 to go tell me what table she was at. He came back with, “She’s on the patio—and she looks JUST like you!”

I tried to spy on her from the patio door, but alas, another coworker was conveniently placed in the way. I was growing weary of my sitcom lifestyle choices.

Then, it happened.

I saw her.

My friend Emma and I once had a conversation about how we think we look. There’s what you hope you look like:

This chick obviously lives and works in the city and is a success her her chosen
field.

And what you’re afraid you look like

This ... needs no caption.

This person, bless her heart, had every single physical bad quality that I had spent years of my life debating whether or not was as bad as I sometimes imagined. Every little thing that made my heart sink whenever I would catch my reflection on a good day, or that I would laugh off when I caught myself at a good angle, was present on this person. The weird thing was, it wouldn’t change tomorrow because of the confidence inspired by some new eyeliner—no. this was 360 degrees of ‘oh my god, you look exactly like her!’

Yet it was another human being, so my insecurity-masking jokes about body-image issues would be considered mean, not just my regular brand of self-deprecating. It was a very confusing 60 seconds.

When I returned to my co-workers a little less than excited than them about the similarities towards me and Ugliest-Version-of-Kate-Girl, they seemed to instantly know this unfavorable comparison—though probably accurate—was not boding well for me. They explained, “Well, she’s a lot heavier than you!” “And I saw her up close, totally different. It’s mostly from far away that…she doesn’t REALLY look like you…” “I thought I saw you in that top once.” “Maybe she just looks like you in comparison to the other six billion people on the planet.” “She looks more like you than, say, Heidi Klum does.” “Only her PROFILE resembles you.” (Anyone who knows me knows my profile is what I’m the most self conscious of.)

In conclusion, it all made me ask a broader question: Does anyone have an accurate idea of what they look like? And--Should people tell you when you look like someone else? Like, is that necessary? People don't wanna know what they look like (except attractive people, and they can go fuck themselves), people just was to live and breathe and feel the wind on their hideous faces and let the water run over their rolls the whole time pretending they look like Claudia Schiffer or maybe even Alanis Morissette because someone kindly said that once in line for samosas at Family Bingo night at their middle school once or something. Is it wrong for a person to cling to that the same way they clung to their free samosa that day? Is it? IS IT?

If nothing else, I know now what Justin Bieber and several lesbians go through every single day.

Anyway, it all seemed to blow over until one co-worker, who was by all means a pretty, thin, sexy blond, pulled me aside and said, “Remember when we first met and I told you you reminded me of my friend Susie? Well, she’s GORGEOUS.”

Thank you, co-workers.

Extra! Extra! Justin Bieber exclaims mild approval of gender/age bracket!

Oh, hello MSN 'Today' box. What insightful, worldly news do you have to share with me in the two and a half seconds before I click on 'Mail'?

I enjoyed this because I picture some old-timey reporter guy with 'PRESS' thinger tucked into his hat and his trench coat flabbing wildly as he approached Justin Bieber just exiting his 'My World 2.0' tour bus and yelling, "Bieber! Hey, Bieber! I'm Carl Somebody, see, Chicago News. Can you tell me, Mr. Bieber, can you tell me where you stand on older women?! The world's gotta know, see?!" To which Bieber, who had his back turned and was ignoring the guy up until this point, turns back mid-shrug and says, "They're okay, I guess."

.

.

And then Carl Somebody made first page.

.

.

(side note: I gotta know, how did YOU react to this? I didn't even get to the 'Cougar love' portion, which is confusing at best. If you could rephrase the headline "Cougar love: Justin Bieber says older women OK" to mean the exact same thing, how would you? I wresled with 'Bieber Fever: Not Just for Undersexed 12 Year Olds' or 'Bieber Sustains Erection at Mother's Tupperwear Party' or 'Justin Bieber has Libido of Any 16 Y.O. Boy')

Confessions Part 1

How racist is it that The Blind Side is making me want to watch The Green Mile?

...We don't actually LIKE Ben Mulroney

I'm really lame and want to use posts from facebook and livejournal here so that I can accurately draw a picture of my lameness. So here's a post I made Saturday, July 18, 2009 at 1:38am after Dye_go and I had a Ben Mulroney experience. I updated my facebook status to express said experience, and was met with what can only be described as a 'passive obnoxious backlash'. So I wrote those jerks this facebook note to explain why they were all wrong.

Enjoy.

************************************************************************************

Comedy was in the air, and all of Dundas Square was decked out for Just For Laughs.

We were standing outside Massey Hall, after having just seen the Sarah Silverman gala at Just For Laughs. We see one of the comics we just saw, Arj Barker (I'm not a huge fan, but he's really popular in the states) taking pictures and sighing autographs (probably just the pictures). As soon as we see him we are instantly terrified. Dye-Go says, "We might run into Sarah Silverman here, we must leave!" as we are both terrified of meeting anyone even remotely famous. I tell him, "Maybe it would be nice to see her, but not approach her." and so we looked stood there, awkwardly scoping out the crowd and trying not to look like a pair of losers scoping out the crowd. And then suddenly...

Ben Mulroney in a light blue sweater comes out of the crowd. I see him, and turn to Dye-Go and say nothing, staring stupidly. Dye-Go lingers for a moment and accidentally makes eye contact before looking at me.

We are unsure what to do or say.

Ben Mulroney walks by and grazes Dye-Go's shoulder. For a moment, the universe was cold and stagnant and everything we thought we knew was wrong. Then Dye-Go says his famous line, "We were just star struck by Ben Mulroney. We can NOT handle Sarah Silverman."

So we went to Fran's.

SO FOR ANYONE WHO COMMENTED ON THE FACEBOOK STATUS ABOUT SAID INCIDENT: We weren't like "OMG BENNY I WANNA HAVE UR BABBBIIEEZZ. It was merely fate reminding us that we make assholes of ourselves near wannabe no talents and thusly even being near Sarah Silverman would be dangerous for everyone involved.

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At the time, I was very passionate about making sure nobody thought I was a Ben Mulroney fan.