An Attempted Introduction and a Silly Confession

Hello, dear reader.

How are you? What’s new and happening? How’s the dog—or cat? What’s up with that guy at work? Did you ever get that thing on your arm checked out? Strange weather we’re having, eh?

I’m a lot of things, dear reader. I could list them all, but that wouldn’t be a very good introduction. It’d be very accurate, but not very good. And I want a good introduction, because, dear reader: I’m trying to impress you.

Yes—I’m trying to impress you right now. That’s my confession. I want to be famous on the internet and that means impressing you because The Customer Is Always Right. We say the same thing in waitressing, except my boss makes us say ‘guest’ instead of ‘customer’. So, let’s try that. You’re my Guest, then.

Welcome.

How are you?

Shit. We covered that.

Here’s the deal: I’m going to be your dancing monkey. I’m going to say the things that happen in my life in a witty way and you will follow and you will laugh. I will not make money off of this, but it will make up for years and years of lack of acceptance from my peers.

I want to keep this unfunny intro short.

Here’s my angle: I hate everyone and am basically a big loser who embarrasses myself all the time. I’ll document the hating and the failing, and maybe we’ll discover they’re somehow linked. Or maybe I’ll fail at this and end up hating blogging. Either way, we’ll all grow a little.

I’ll end this now.