Things People Say That Bug The Fuck Out of Me

This is a list I wrote in the summer, which was fairly well recieved and I think still expresses my hatred accurately. Please enjoy.

August 2009

So, when it rains at my cottage, I get to sit inside and write and look out the window and think, ''Pretty! Life is so good!" and then wonder why I'm so angry at everything. I realized why! I'm angry because I hate people! So I decided to let my anger soar, and reflect upon some of the annoying things people latch on to saying and then repeat constantly until I want to scream, "I'M GOING POSTAL!"

Anyway, here's the list of things people say, regularily, that bugs the fuck out of me.



1) “I don’t watch TV” / “There’s nothing good on TV. I don’t know why we even have cable!” Problem: Yes, you do watch television. You just watch crap and are afraid to admit it. Secondly, there is a WIDE variety of excellent programs on even the most basic of cable packages. It’s not my fault you have a thing for Charlie Sheen and haven’t figured out that The Simpsons and Seinfeld are on seven times a day, or that 30 Rock and The Office really are as funny as everyone says. And that’s just in the half hour comedy spectrum. Give HBO a try, or hold out for reruns of The Sopranos and Mad Men; buy yourself Six Feet Under. Saying “There’s nothing good on TV!” is like saying “I don’t read because I read all the good books already.” No. You have not. Next Thursday, look a little beyond ‘More to Love’ and find something important to watch.
Offenders:

-Dentists

-Surly aunts

-Douche bags who walk in on conversations about last week’s ‘True Blood’



2) “Oh, that Facebook! Those kids put so much information on that facebook! A girl at my work got fired because of pictures she put up on facebook! It’s astonishing, really!” / “I can’t STAND Facebook. It used to be cool, but then everyone got it. I’m NEVER on my Facebook account, my girlfriend updates it for me.” / “I don’t need to know what you had for breakfast!” / “PSHT! 345 friends?! Yeah, right, Facebook!” Problem: Girl-from-work who posted naked/incriminating photos is an idiot. I use Facebook regularly, and I’ve managed to never accidentally upload photos of me taking shots of a cadaver or whatever the fuck people are doing to get fired because of their pictures. Similar to the ‘I don’t watch TV’ people, those who put down facebook are shameless holier than thou types who want everyone to know how much better they are than up slobs who like to share pictures and write hilarious and angry notes. From me to you: Fuck off.
Offenders:

-Ex-facebookers

-Parents who are inexplicably/weirdly active on facebook

-Any adult who works in the same space as teenagers

-People who have avoided facebook/think they are too good for facebook



3) “I don’t need to know when someone is eating breakfast, going to the bathroom, or making lunch. Twitter, no thank you” Problem: Especially when updated as a facebook fucking status this comment just emphasizes how unaware people are of things they do not understand. Friends, I have Twitter. I got it because Emma did. It’s scary and confusing at first, but also a lot simpler and more private than facebook. Just like facebook the amount of stupid you’ll experience on this social networking site is directly fucking proportional to who you choose to follow. I follow a ton of comedians and a few select friends, and I’ve never been informed about anyone’s use of the bathroom, breakfast or lunch habits.What I HAVE found is constant intriguing link from around the world, including Sarah Silverman’s favorite/hilarious Youtube links and Emma’s daily ‘Sexist Event of the Day’ (Sidenote: I have seen that facebook status multiple times, and it always has the ‘what you had for breakfast’ update. Who the fuck has experienced this update?)
Offenders:

-People inexplicably on facebook

-People who don’t have facebook or twitter, and like to remind us all of that

-All those jerks who complain and ‘start petitions’ when facebook changes its layout.



4) “You get out of frosh what you put into it.” Problem: Camp games are stupid. I’ll make friends the old fashioned way: by seeking out the other cynical assholes judging other people in the back of the class.
Offenders:

-Ex-Camp leaders

-People who cling to the same social hierarchy of high school

-People who know a lot of people at their university all ready

-Annoying do-gooders (Overly Social People)



5) “What are you going to do after you graduate?” I DON’T FUCKING KNOW OKAY?
Offenders:

-Friends

-Family

-Family Friends

-Friends of Family



6) “Most people consider Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert to be their main source of news, and that’s just a sign of how stupid and ignorant this generation is.” / “I read somewhere that 90% of college students consider The Daily Show and the Colbert Report to be the best source of news! Society = Fail!” Problem: Hey. Hi. We’re Canadian. Most of us don’t get Fox News, and therefore all our knowledge about the hilariously one-sidedness of general American broadcasting comes mostly from Stewart, Colbert, and that guy who uploads them on Youtube. As far as some huge amount of people considering those programs to be as good as news—no. Just, no. Both shows are set up to parody news shows, and would, I imagine, be confusing and unfunny to someone who wasn’t at least somewhat aware of the world around them (i.e. someone who didn’t watch the news or read the news paper. Stewart and Colbert have just mastered pointing out the ridiculousness and stating with a hilarious and unifying voice what an entire generation is thinking. Also, lets face it; they’re popular (and hilarious) programs which expose the less-than-honest side of most powerful networks. I’m not saying these stats are made up, but go to any college dorm and say, “Fox News or The Daily Show?!” and at least 60% of people are going to make a point of saying TDS is far superior to Fox News.
Offenders:

-Bill O’Reilly

-Conservative uncles

-Uncles with no children who like to judge ‘our generation’

-Professors who have given up



7) “Women aren’t funny. All female comics ever talk about is getting their period.” / “Women comics just don’t appeal to men. That’s why there are so many more male comics than female comics” Problem: You are sexist and unaware of anything.
Offenders:

-People on the interweb

-Dane Cook fans



8) “Hunting animals is absolutely disgusting. Going into the woods and hunting poor, innocent creatures until they’re extinct is inhumane and cruel.” Problem: You are confusing hunting with poaching. Hunters take into account all the intricate ripple effects that happen when you enter an ecosystem. They know and respect the laws regarding when certain animals can be hunted in an honest attempt to keep life going and not fucking anything up royally. I respect vegetarians, vegans, and anyone else who chooses not to eat things because it once had a face. And most of them respect me back. Unfortunately, some of them like to say things like ‘How can your father go and shoot a deer!?’ and to them I say, “With a gun and probably some sort of skinning knife because if it was a big one he’d have to dress it where it landed.” If you’re still having trouble, allow me to walk you through an exercise: pretend that humans live on earth. Now pretend that humans need to eat. Now pretend that a bear would eat you if it was hungry enough. Now picture Sobey’s doesn’t exist. Starting to make sense?
Offenders:

-Some (not all) vegetarians

-Health Nazis


9) “Macs are sooo much better than PCs.” / “PCs are sooo much better than Macs.” Problem: it has been my personal experience that Macs are the Vancouver of computer software. Everyone with a Mac thinks they’re so much better off, and enjoy putting down PCs whenever they can. The reality is; it doesn’t fucking matter. I’ve found most PC users don’t really care about the differences between the two computer softwares (or whatever the term is) and are probably perfectly fine with their PCs or simply can’t afford one of your precious fucking Mac books. Though, I have run into the occasional uppity PC person. I feel like anyone who puts down whichever one they don’t have, is either a cheap, remourseful PC user or a bitter, newly-poor Mac user trying to justify their purchase by being a douche bag. I do not care anymore. I’m tired of hearing about Macs and PCs. I just am.

Offenders:
-Mac AND PC users
-Rich kids




10) “Oh, why, I see you have a ‘carpe diem’ tattoo. How humorous that you enjoy sleeping in. Ha, Ha-Ha! Ha!” Problem: People love hating tattoos. So fine; it’s permanent and I got it young in life. Once again, putting down my personal choice that does not in any way effect you is a way of building yourself up. Also—that’s not what ‘carpe diem’ means. I used to jokingly answer the idiots who said that to me with ‘I sleep in because I was seizing the day last night!” but now I just say, “That’s not what it means.” And in my head I say, “Read more, you oaf.”
Offenders:

-Uncles/Uncle type figures

-People who utilize piercings

-People who think they’re hilarious